It's about the change.

I feel like joining something. I just don't know what or how to say this but I want to be a part of something. I don't want to be sitting here lonely and deprived like a beggar for money.

I know i'm sad and I have a great reason for that because I don't mix with people. I don't find more friends. I don't want to be a part of something because of my laziness and my attitude. How awesome is that.

I love caring about, I love having fun but it comes to a point where I just get tired and I will get annoyed and when it do, I just change like to a different person and when that happens, I try to push people aside and I don't want to be there anymore even though I want to be there because I know I am there to make friends. To have a better relationship with people.

I'm quiet. So freaking quiet until I just won't utter any words. I will just listen. This, I think it's a major freaking problem because as time goes by, my confident will definitely drop and my self-esteem, pooof. I don't know where it is. I can't socialise it's because I can't anymore. I can't because there's every chance where I just blow it off and escaping and not trying and just trying to be in my comfort zone and not do shit.

It's frustrating sometimes when i just need to be out of this. I want to be confident. I want to be that person where I can put off a damn good performance as we all do. I do believe people, they put up a performance everyday of who or what they are. It's like a play and you're in it just like what William Shakespears says.

'You're a natural', so says the drama teacher, Catherine.

She just blew my mind with this statement. Is it really me? She just showed me how good I can be in performance. Natural, wow. Really? I say to myself, I hope I can be the portrayed performance because that's who I want to be. Confident, Caring, Loving, good sense of humour and just a nice guy but I can't. I know I can't because of the state i'm in now. I just can't bring myself to people who are more smarter, much more sociable? I just can't.

I wish I can. There's always a way that I can change but how?

I'm just so impatient. I'm just so trauma of the things happened.

I say too much but I don't do much.

Can I just get out of this and just get involve? There's so many thins I'm considering right now.

What can I join in uni that can mix with good people and also makes my CV/resume looks good?
What can I do to have study results better?
How do I manage my time so that I can study and have fun at the same time?
Do I have to work? Do I want to work to earn money to buy stuff? Do I?
If so, how do I balance work and studies and societies?
How do I get confidence?
How do I boost my self-esteem?
How do I mix with people?
How do I talk to people?
What can I do to do my adventures?
What films can I make? How to film short films alone? How to find someone to help me film?
What interest me? What is my hobby?
How do I know which relationship and friendship that I can invest in?
What can I do to make the relationships and friendships better?

Look at all those questions. I need answers and I want them quick. I need to figure myself out. I don't want to regret my uni years with me sitting at home everyday and not doing shit about my life right now. I'm so far off and I need to get back on. I admire people who can just go out and explore and have good company with them and just have a blast with their life. I want that. I want it all. I'm selfish, impatient, annoyed, frustrated, and just an oblivious guy. I just want everything but can I? What is the limit between what I can have and what I cannot? Is there an answer to all these? Or should I just draw a map?

I need to do something with life. Not just by saying or writing or just thinking about it, I want to do it. I want to put everything that I said, wrote or anything into action. It's time to do something also not to make me feel tired but enjoying it. I don't want to be dread out of the things that I'm doing. I want to be a part of something. I want to be. I just want to be happy. I just want it to be simple.

I just want to say : 'Ah, those uni years, yes I may a lot of troubles and problems but I was to rise above it, conquer it and make it out like a superhero. Though, I may have doubts before but I was clear, I was able to have fun and make good friends there. We had fun and everything was just nice about it after that.'

Can I do that? So where can I start? Give me a road map so that I can start then let me handle the journey because I think everybody's journey is unique and every person is unique. They have their own lives to live. So don't live the lives of the others but live your own because you only have one lifetime to do it and I'm going to say this is my value because you never know when your life is going to end. It's time to be serious about taking life serious. Not serious in a way that you're so tactical about it or genius about it. I'm just saying serious in putting things into action, making the best out of things I do and just live life to the fullest. Not sitting at home, feeling sad and lonely but happy and just mixing out more. Confidence is what I need.

2013 second semester might not be too late but there's always a chance and I'm willing to take it even though I have a shit 2013 start, I can always end 2013 with a bang. Even though, it could embarrass me a lot with metting with new people, I can always learn to say, I can always learn to do new things and join new things. It may make it feel awkward for me to do things but after all these things, there's always something new and bright about it and that is to answer the question i was posing just now.

Stop with the emotion but start with the spirit. Then, life for the self will be pretty darn good.