Thursday, May 7, 2015

To the person I don’t know.

Hey x,

Let me pick you up from work, let’s go to the gym together.
We shall go a restaurant nearby, eat our favourite food.
It may not be the most fancy of food but at least we are eating something we grown up eating.
Tomorrow, let’s try to get home early and cook ourselves some simple meal!
Or let’s wait till the weekend where we can just bake and eat all those food we bake!

The gym has a place to shower. We don’t have to waste the water at home.
Showered, eaten.
Let’s push ourselves together to get fit. Let’s do gym everyday. If not, at least 3 times a week?

Let’s say we catch a movie tonight if you’re not tired.

Let me give you 3 options:
1) Do you want to go home, lie down on the bed, and we shall just get ourselves filled with ice cream and catch up on our tv series?
2) Do you want go to the shopping mall, walk a little, maybe get something that you wanted to buy, and watch a movie? (we watched this, this and that, so we could watch that one)
3) Let’s just go home, turn on some music and sing.

Well, that movie we can just watch during the weekend, let’s catch up on that tv series.
Let me head over to the supermarket to get some ice cream.

I don’t know where you might work, I don’t know where you will be.
I may have my new car now, I love to drive, so I can fetch you if its in the same area!
Let’s share the car. You can use it. I can use it.
Oh you have your car too? Well, I guess we will just meet there at the mall? Or meet you at home?

Our house. Did we stay here? Or do we have our own separate house? I mean apartments. Well, I’m not really in that position where I have that much money to rent a house, let alone to buy one!
Do you stay near? Do you stay far? If you stay far, do I have to get through the jam to get you? It will be a lot easier if we stay in the same area.

We might be too young to stay together. Maybe in 5 years time. Let’s say its for now, you stay near me, do we get to go to each other’s house to stay over? This week I come your place, next week you come to my place.We will work things out, wouldn't we?

Wait when did we first meet again? Secondary school? Tuition? College? University? Work? (I highly doubt it). It’s great that we have so many things in common. The things we spend hours and hours talking till we sleep. Maybe that’s only for one night. The rest, we try to do things together, we learn, we communicate and we just blend with each other’s life so well.

I can’t believe I have someone like you, x.

How many dates did we have before we got together? Was it too rush? Were you waiting for me to say the words? Am I too lost to not know what to say? All those miscommunication before but yet now, we seem to do alright with communication.

Let’s plan a trip, x. Let’s go here, here and there. Let’s try the food here. Let’s get fat together (Mind you, we gym too okay? So don’t judge). Let’s meet up with these people that we haven’t seen for so long. Let me introduce you to this friend of mine that we’ve known each other years ago. Let’s go visit our parents this weekend. You go to yours and I go to mine. Wait, are we in the same town as well? Let’s drive down, get ready a playlist and let’s do crazy things in the car, laugh, record, sing our lungs out!

x, we do have the same taste, we have the same interest. Wow.
x, we don’t really have the same interest and we don’t really have the same taste. We argue a lot sometimes but that’s alright, I love how we are accepting each other by compromising ourselves to know one another more.

Let’s make sure we finish our work earlier so that we can do things together. Are you working? Are you still studying? Have you done your assignments? Let’s wait until you’re done and then we can do all these things together! Let me come to university and meet you! I bought you some things during lunch time, do remember to eat these okay? Let’s do something in the weekend.

Ah man, you have to finish work late? Well, we’ll skip gym for the days you are busy and let’s make a point to tell each other that we are either late or early so that we can go to the gym together, eat together. Do we spend a lot of time on the phone talking? I’m not really good at messaging. Maybe we can find our own little cute ways of contacting with each other? It keeps me interested to talk to you every single day. We don’t have boring conversations where we try hard to find a topic to talk about. Whenever someone comes out with a topic, we can just talk all night.

Also, when we communicate or if we are together right now, is our communication with each other clouded with words that fills up the space to talk? Or do we really mean it to each other? like I love you, I miss you, or just conventional love talk. How do I know how to communicate with you? I have a little self esteem problem here. Are you there to help me out? Do you understand me? Do I understand you?

Wait are you still in overseas or are you here in KL? Or you’re from a different city? Wow. It’s hard to meet up with you. Shall I come visit during the weekends? Sigh. How I wish we can be in the same place and doing the things that we can actually do together. I love that kind of life. But if that was you, I’ll always look forward to the weekend. So many things we can do together during that time. We can keep it interesting. Let’s make it this way. We won’t be busy for work or for other stuff during that weekend? Let’s spend time together, can we?

Wait am I being to controlling or should I stop? Especially depicting what you should do or shouldn’t do? Well I’m sorry, I should include what YOU should do as well. Clearly, I’m not mature to think that you have your own things to do too.

It’s all about perspective, isn’t it?

Well, if we were to compromise, I might be the one staying really far or you might be the one. Maybe you’re not even working yet and you still could be studying. Maybe you are working but you stay so far from me, I couldn’t reach you. Our timings would be so different then.

Anyway, I can’t do long distance. It’s gives me a hell lot of burden during the week! Well then how am I suppose to be myself if i’m always thinking about you during the weekdays and not focus on my work. Like the side of me is being distracted by you and just not being able to be physically be with you there. I wish I can but well, this situation that we are in, maybe we only be facing this for the next 3 years? Maybe less, maybe more. I’m not so sure about this but do you think we should continue if our circumstances are in this way? Because it could be really difficult, I wish it is much better than this.

In the end, we’re stuck in our own circumstances. I can wait, well, as long as we are able to be fully be together after those years being apart. I will wait.

To the person I don’t know.

There are many things that we can just speculate. There are many things that we can do together. So many things that we can experience together. But you can’t make the decision, what to do, where, when or how to do until you meet that somebody. I wish I have that somebody as close to me as possible and having that same interest, same compromise. It will be great but we can only have that ideal person that we want to meet in our heads, the person we might meet someday could be totally different and yet perfect at the same time.

People come to our lives in so many different and unexpected ways like how I have a deja-vu today which already told me where I was going to work, the things that I was doing and it was so extraordinary.When I snap back to think, I may have yet known where I was going.

I may have a dream before about you, x, but i’m not sure who will be you. God is centre of it all to know what is coming and what is His plans. I only live the life that He fulfills.

Till the day we meet, x.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015


That transition I've been anticipating.
That moment when I realised that it's all changed.

It's now 2 weeks in my full-time job and almost a month since I've gotten into the workforce. I don't think I'm still used to the working life. I'm still finding my ground and settling myself completely. It's tiring everyday coming back from work. I can't do work at home. It's been routinized even more now.

-Wake up, work, back from work, dinner, sleep and the next morning all over again.-

I guess this is how it works. I'm look forward to the weekends so much right now. I can't wait for Friday actually. I guess that's why people really say TGIF. Don't be mistaken that work is difficult or that the lifestyle is hard to accustom to. Work is great. I don't know about the others but at this moment, I really like how it all plays out.

TalentCorp is the company that I'm working at right now.

The things I'm learning.

The people I'm meeting.

The opportunities I'm getting.

The work that I'm expose to.

The knowledge I'm obtaining.

I'm really glad that I've taken this job. I was so hesitant all the way back when I was in Melbourne. It starts off with me not wanting to join this Apprentice Challenge because I felt like I let my team down. I didn't told the organizers that they wanted to go for the Apprentice Challenge and there was a miscommunication that led me be the only one that went for it. I wasn't happy. The speech was only meant to apologize and to give the same chance to my group as the one that I was given. I was hesitant to go up stage, I was hesitant to win. And in the end, I won. When I won, I was hesitant to grab the opportunity. I was hesitant to do this apprenticeship. Here I am got into the apprenticeship and here I am, I got a job position at this company.

I praise God for this. Grateful that I was able to walk these path that He has chosen for me. I prayed and prayed, and finally realised that this was His answer. His decisions, His plan, and glory to His name.

It's tough and it's really reallllly hectic. I need to learn things that uni didn't even provide me with. I had to learn how to be practical in which its a whole new level of things to learn. Social media, website, and advertising was a whole new experience. Live tweeting at events, knowing what to post, what to write on Facebook. Writing contents on website, developing, organising, managing the contents. Do fillings, understanding what emails to print, what emails that is important, how to write emails, how to take notes, minutes, WIP, contracts. What are the agencies that the company is working with, what are the positions each team is in. Who are the person in charge, who is the point of contact, what are the strategies, the message, the files, the people. What are the products, the initiatives, how does PR work, what media relations actually do, the marketing, HR, finance, the branding. Everything I had to learn in the expense of a month. It's a lot to take in. Hopefully, there's more to learn and I hope it won't stop.

I'll be here for 3 years and if I want to extend that's another 2 years. I'm waiting for God's calling, what are the next step is all in His hand. The thing right now is how do I balance my life. Car, accommodation, bills to pay, parking, phone, food, family, how to juggle everything and actually come to a routinized and planned calendar of things to do. How to be stable and make the best out of everything. How do I balance it all?

Hopefully, the next time I'm here. I have figure it all out :)

Friday, January 23, 2015

Moment of silence.


That's what I want to feel about myself. I'm confident i'm not the one that wrote those post, have those thoughts, to have those perspectives and to have those views. I believe we change even it's a few hours ago or a season, it doesn't matter. But as time passes, we change by the things we learn, the things we encounter and certain realisation.

I like to believe that we are constantly changing and not stagnant to a specific place and time. I think the biggest change that I felt in these couple of months was that 2/3 weeks of completing my assignments. That month was pivotal to what I am today. I thank God for that. I think maturity comes with the realisation that you are a different person entirely, your views are changed to a certain degree that defies certain characteristics of yourself.

Moving out, saying goodbyes, dealing with personal problems or have I dealt with, selling sentiment value that i possessed for 4 years already. This transition has been really hard especially when everything is happening at the same time right now. It's difficult but I believe I can push through. It's great to have come out of this doing it on your own. it's like you've become independent, you've matured, you've learned. I believe so too.

I'm done with defining. I'm more with living.
I've learned that the present is THE moment. Not the past, not the future.

Hopefully, my career is all in place and I hope it will all turn out well. So afraid yet so confused, I have no idea whatsoever which company, which position I will be doing. I guess day by day, things sort of sort it out by itself.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Make life hectic and rewarding.

This month is different. The feelings are different. Perspectives are different.

From time to time, there's something that would change what you think out of a sudden. You become a new man. People change. What is principles at the end of the day?

Anyway, life has been really hectic lately. So many things to do. To be honest, i'm quite liking the fact of being busy. It keeps you going rather than slowing you down and to do nothing. I'm really scared of not doing anything. Yes, I want to find time to relax and chill. Cycle to the beach and just spend the evening there, watching the sun set and watching the night lights shine. I really want to do that but things has been piling up for me. Assignments, projects, internship, friends, clubs, exercise, doing covers, movies. I love it when you are busy and you know what you need to do to finish it and at the end of the day, you feel accomplished. You feel like you have done something. Being creative is the one that drags, the assignments, the projects, the ones that needs your brain juice, adrenaline to pump it up. It's so frustrating, I don't know about you but I think in general, arts students are in the same dilemma too.

What I have been busy with?
MoMU(Malaysians of Melbourne University) Club. I'm the IT Director. I need to produce a newsletter by the end of every month. I compile the content and send it to my officer to do it. I need to update the website. Ahh, the website is not updated for a month already and there's so many events that I need to put it up. Have to have meeting every Wednesday after my 6 o'clock class.

Meld Magazine. Yes, I'm in it as a social media manager intern. I'm in charge of Tumblr now. So i have to keep on updating the site now until June. I have to be there for meetings, workshops, and everything. I need to be quite present with this. Now, I'm quite lost with what's happening. It feels like a freelance job. But anyway, that's that too.

Uni. I have a 100% project due in June. I have to be updated with that if i'll be doomed. Like really die. April 11th I have an essay due. Week 7 I have an assignment due. I have to choose 2 tutes for my marketing assignment. I have not done any readings since the start of the semester. I need to do it but i'm so busy that I could not. I really need to.

Friends. Don't get the wrong idea but I love hanging out with friends. To just spend time with them and chill with them. I love that. Going out for dinners, spending the night at friend's place, exercising with them, watching movies, cycling. This is what makes uni so fun.

Exercise. I've tried to play more badminton. But I really need to exercise, lose weight. Eat healthily.

That pretty much sums up my current life.
To be honest, i've tried living life to its fullest. Not setting down with being sad, being depressed, being demotivated by things that will drain you your energy and time. I choose to live. I choose to be happy. I really think it's a choice everyday we make to feel this, to feel that. I guess what I tried to do is. To just take each step at a time. Sometimes, yes, I do get too overwhelmed with myself, I get over too much, sometimes I just miss out. That's life isn't it? Even though I'm tired, I still try my very best to go for the next one, to look forward for the next one. Probably that's why I needed the rest. I haven't really rested myself since the internship back in KL. I need a holiday.

I want to be myself. I don't really care what people think of me anymore. Well, I try to. I was actually working on my 1 second a day video, I don't think I'm up to date with it anymore. I'm too overwhelmed with the things outside the phone than to record it down with my phone. Sometimes the occasion is bigger than the phone. What I really need to do now is just settle myself. I'm too out, I'm never in, if you know what i'm saying. In other words, I'm always outside of the house than to be at home. This semester, is so strange because last sem, I used to stay at home and be with my computer the whole day. Now, I use my ipad more often than to open my laptop and use it. I've been playing a lot of guitar lately. I didn't know I can play so many songs. It's really nice with what I can come up with with the guitar. The acoustic covers. I love it. I've been uploading a lot of covers. My YouTube is quite alive right now. I'm quite proud of it actually. Here's to more videos to come.

Long time I never bought groceries, today was the first time being in like what, a month? I should cook more, eat more healthy food, and exercise and burn my belly and boob fats. I want to wear white shirts! Oh, there's one weekend where it was really hectic. Thursday I was doing my assignment till late like 5? but I couldn't do. It was due the next. At one, only I started doing and finish off at 4:30. Then I was chilling with friends until like 5 again? The next day I have MoMU race? That was the whole day, then I went to my friends house for steamboat, played kinnect, sweating, went for clubbing, then I slept at 5 again! Sunday, I went for church at 11 after that. It was so hectic that time. Wait, it was just last week. It shows how busy life is right now. Everyday there's always something to do. I become quite ignorant towards Christ. It's so hard to have a relationship with Him. I want to? As soon as you channel everything you are doing and let God be the centre of it. That's more or less, the true meaning of having a relationship with Him. You trust Him, He will do wonders. Attending church is not enough, I want to be involved. I want to say that, yes, everyday, I do think of Him and whatever I do, the focus is towards Him. I want to say that. I really hope this year I would change to be closer to Him.

Probably the summer, it changed me a lot. I guess when I started working, it gave me a new sense of direction and some new perspective. To actually appreciate and to take risk, to seize all possible opportunities. I guess this is what you call living life to its fullest? I do the things I love. Badminton, YouTube, movies, singing, friends, dancing, etc. Not wasting time on other things that does not benefit me. It sounds selfish but it's not. It's just you knowing how to choose. The pursuit of happiness. If happiness was ever to be pursued. To look forward to each day as it comes. I believe if you know how to channel yourself to do what you want to do and to do what you need to do. You will see that there is more to life itself. Don't focus your energy on the things that will bring you down and learn how to say no. Because draining your energy and time is the last thing you want to do if you want to end your university life with a bang. I know for a sure, I don't want to regret when I start to work for the rest of my life knowing that I could have not much more when I was in Uni.

Working life and university life is so bloody different. I don't like it but I know in the end, you have to accept it. Oh well, i'm living the university life and before I can think of my working life, I want to know that I enjoyed my university life. So bring it on, life. Show me what you got because I'm ready to take in what's in for me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Focusing on passion.

So many things, so many thoughts, so many experiences.
I should say it's too many and it is all happening so very fast. I just can't seem to just stop and think for a second and write it down. It has been like that ever since I came back to Melbourne. Once touch down, trouble with the key, had to be in orientation for two days straight and move SuAnn's and Ching's belongings to their new place. Got sun burnt and sick straightaway. Was just so tired, body was aching, but I was not complaining that I'm back to Melbourne. I felt like I want to be back, I want to do things, to keep myself busy, to be occupied, to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I felt like the weight has lifted off.

I had my Meld Magazine interview, had to bring freshers around for the MoMU event, had to prepare for the first week of the last year of my degree. Thinking about which classes should I go, thinking which subject should I take, which people should I hang out with, what sort of routine should I do, what book should I read, what food should I eat, what sports should I play, what electronics/DVDs should I buy, what stationeries, what groceries, what cereal should I eat. This is now my second week. I can still say that I am not fully settled yet. I should have come back earlier. Done all these things, hang out with all my friends and I can already settled myself nicely in Melbourne. Honestly, I don't want to leave this country. First reason, the life here is good. Second reason, once you settle yourself here, the things that is available to you is so beneficial. But, finding work is hard, applying PR is hard, working with caucasian is hard, leaving family behind is hard. So it's really really hard to decide. I'm taking my future seriously right now. All I have to take seriously now is now itself. To study hard, to get experiences, to learn and to just get good results so I can actually say that I'm applicable for Masters.
This is my last year, I don't want to waste it. I want to make full use of it. To the things that is right for me, to choose the things that benefits me, to be in circumstances that are importance of me. I've learn so much about choosing the things that matters to you, to have that sense of focus until I become this mean and sarcastic person. I find myself really rude and disgusting sometimes. I felt it too with my embarrassment and disappointment. I guess it's all about experiences isn't it? I can't change myself unless I experience something that can change me. What happened to me during the holidays is what affects me now. My mum just became that person that I have to experience everyday for the past 3 months. Change me to this person I am today. I should learn not to be a people pleaser and be a God pleaser but it is so hard to get away for the circumstances that I am in. I'm emotional, sensitive and just mean because of the things I've experience. Sorry in advance.

I think you will know me better once you really get to know me. I mean I only be the way that I am because there are things that make me deal with this situation with this attitude and sometimes I don't have the answer for it. I'm just really saddened with the way I speak sometimes. The awkwardness, when I cannot form the words to say it out, the clumsiness of my mind, mouth and intention. I just wish I can take things back, to take situations back, to do it again one more time, those screw ups, maybe it's just me trying to pull everyone to be with me. That's not good. It's hard when you want to just make friends, you just don't how to approach and sometimes you say the wrong things you act the wrong way, people think of you as weird, awkward, strange and just with judgemental attitude towards you. I find that hard to please. I wish I can but I should not because those who are closest to me should know what I stand for, who I am, when I meant a joke, the fun part, the serious part and the kind part. I guess we take those situations as a way to learn to how to be more sociable the next time. Sometimes when the creative juice is not working, it's just hard when you're trying so hard to be sociable and you don't want to be awkward with them. Nevermind.
I don't know what should I do really. One point I was just really sad. Like just everything collapsed on me. Relationships, friendships, future, religion, studies, house, opportunities, commitments, work, literally everything. Like I just can't hold it anymore. It was too much for me. My house was messy, things were not settled, I was really sick. I was just in a really really bad day that day. I was exhausted, tired, and just couldn't care less about anything anymore. At least now I'm getting my feet back on the ground and started walking, damn, I feel like I can walk, run and just fly. Not yet. I clean my room, make sure everything is all nicely organised but still, i'm not settled. There are things that I still need to take care of. There are still things to do but I just couldn't care less. There are other stuff that I needed to do. University has been really busy with readings, classes and all. This internship is intense too. Every single week there's things to do until april/may only then it's more chilling. There's MoMU where it takes out a lot of energy. With the website haven't updated till this day, twitter/instagram to update every event, and photographer for the events when HuiLi our photographer is not there. I had to feel in the spot. Plus with all the other commitments I just can't. I also need to catch up with friends, make new friends, learn how to be a senior to the juniors and just trying to fit in to the society.

I just hope I can get the balance of all these. That's why sometimes I couldn't care with the things I say, the act I put, the mean and sarcastic jokes that I say. It's just hard to deal with every single problem/circumstances you have. I told myself to be closer with God each day to find peace, I haven't done anything. I guess I haven't found the importance of God in my life. So I pray now for that importance to hit me, to really feel His presence over me. From there, I feel like things are going to change. But I hope it doesn't take that long, because I really need to be there with Him. Church has been great. So just hope the Word grabs hold of me and teach me how to become a better person. Currently, there's a lot of things in my mind and I don't have the time and energy to entertain so many things, really. I know it's harsh and mean but sometimes you just have to have a focus and a goal to just put things aside and just focus on that one goal you want to achieve. That I call passion. Bought and got signed by this Paster Gerry. Great man. If you're really passionate with what you are doing right now, doesn't care if you offend people or not, I think if you get the result from the things you are passionate about, that reward is worth fighting for. For me right now, I know there are things that I shouldn't do, say or act. But I know I need to get a good grade, get experiences from internships, opportunities, my passion for music and film, understanding God, meet new and great people, have fun and go on an adventure. This is my goal, focus and passion for this year. Whatever things that may happen, it's not really of my concern. I would not hesitate to put it aside. Take out all the drama, take out all the things that wastes my energy, take out all the people that gives you that judgemental, critical attitude towards you. I can say you win some, you lose some. Learning the art of losing and being the loser. I think the greatest success is when you lose every single time. Because whether you get up or not no matter how hard you have been hit is what determines you. So hit me, life, as hard as you can, because I know what I'm focusing on this year. So hit me hard if you can.
I don't know what's wrong with my YouTube videos lately. It's not getting any likes, any comments, any views. It's quite sad. But i'm only at 38/39 videos now. People who are successful in YouTube has over 700/800 videos. So this year, I'm targeting 100 or if I want to be that adventurous 200! So good luck Jen. I'm not going to play so much PS3/PS4. I'm going read, cover more videos, do more film reviews, read all the books i've bought and read the readings for my subjects. I have to do it. I don't know what the future holds but there's so many things that I can think of right now. But future is not what worries me. I should not worry. I will not worry. Because at the end of the day, you think so much, you won't do. So I hope I will do more, have more action and just do what I'm passionate about. Music, film and writing.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

There and back again.

The difference between last month and this month. 7 blog posts and now only 1. What have I been doing since I stopped my internship. Can't say that I did much. It was Chinese New Year and it was boring. It wasn't like the years before when everybody would go their friends house and it is a more lively environment. It's been so long since i've played fireworks like what, 10? The second day already, I was thinking where are the friends, where is everybody. Most of them follow their family travelling. I think it's what is in their minds nowadays, to do something different. To go away for once and just be with their family, travelling and see what the world is during Chinese New Year. Honestly, I don't mind the usual. To stick with what is at home and do it even though you are doing it for years and years, again and again. Chinese culture like i've seen in the movie 'The Journey', it teaches you be closer with the family. Other cultures, they have their own values too. But, if you break that rule and you try to do something else, things change. After that, I was quite busy. Going in and out of KL twice in a week. One is to meet up with the relatives in KL also to go for Steve's open house. That was done. Second was the cousin lunch for just a day trip. That was done. In Ipoh, the first few days, nobody and it was sad when me and Joel was just finding people on contact list to see which house can be go. Call no answer. Message never reply. The fact is everybody has a break only in that one week. After that everybody would start their university, plus i'm already going back on the 26th so it was kind of the only chance to meet up. It was quite disappointing at first but it was alright the next. Got to meet up with Jonathan they all and that's all done. At least I get to meet up with most of my friends.

The next was just playing badminton, FIFA, singing and just trying to exercise even more. I've been reading books, well, i try, but at least I did read finish one. A small one. Well, most of the time, I've been playing a lot of badminton. Something about badminton that gives me satisfaction. Not in a sexual way, well technically it is, but it's more sadistic when you think of it. I like the idea of being suffocated, being really tired from badminton, when your muscles get all tensed up, your breathing starts to turn to panting really badly, sweat pouring down your body like you just taken a shower, that I like. No. I love. I think it's because from young till now, I got into competitive training, it was really harsh and hard every single week. I remember the training I got from Richard Tim. The physically of it. Wow. I wish I can do that again. I wish I can train like that again. Again, regretted that I have decided to stop that training. I was just passing time and really getting LAZY. It was, it IS very bad now. Not even want to move, plus when you play so hard, you don't want to move. Putting yourself everywhere, from couch, chairs, bed, tables, nah. I've stopped sugar, that's good. I kinda stopped cookies, Chinese New Year cookies. So no. I've been drinking a lot of Ribena recently. That's bad but in this hot weather you really need cold drinks like Ribena. That's a strategic planner research right there for you. That's that.

Wilson came over last weekend. I tell you. He is like the only guy that I can be myself. Really he and I we are like soul mates. Not cheesy here, not being gay, not being anything but bromance right there. Thank you for coming. I needed you. You complete me. It's because of you I feel better. It's because you I am me. It's because of you I thank God that I can live the next day. This. is. really. gay. Hands down, best cousin, best friend, best brother. We did covers, we talked about life, relationships, career, movies, love, music, games, anything you name it. It's like he is my twin. HOWEVER, he is an annoying sick son of a bitch. I'm kidding. Oh yes, the thing about swearing. You can do it for fun. But when you do it like you mean it, that's cursing and that's bad for you. Learn that shit up, bitch. :) that's being kind. Not cursing at you. Motivation baby. It was not long before he had to go. He had to go back even though how hard me and my mum convinced him to stay. Talking about me and my mum, well, it wasn't good at all last week. But i've learn how to deal with things now. I'm not sure but so far, now, it's all good. Like we talked, laughed and was watching movies together so that's good but the week before was bad. I think her output is me. Ranting about everything to me. When I do a simple mistake, it's about time for her to use it to talk to me and rant the things she really want to talk about. Although sometimes it's hard to take in, you just have to suck it up and hope that it will all pass sooner or later. Her cool down time takes about a few days. So you can imagine. She wants to go Melbourne to spend time with me so I can see that it's not that our relationship is being sour or anything but she knows I'm the closest where she uses me as an output to feel better. Well, if thats the case, I'll do anything as a son to be there for my mum. Even if I was meant to go through all the rants, criticism, judgement and accusations. She booked me for the entire year, april break, july break, december break. WHY? Well, she said the same thing last year but she didn't come. So it's quite unpredictable.

I've been listening to 'Linger' by The Cranberries and 'Happy' by Pharell these days. I really love old songs. Sometimes, when you mix old and the new, you get different range. I don't know whether is this true but that's what I thought. So many books yet to read. New semester is starting soon. Subjects chosen, time chosen, everyday also has class. Third year, I NEED TO DO WELL if I want to do masters. Plans has been set. Internship and Masters in Melbourne. Try for PR and work for few years before I settle myself down in Malaysia. Being in Malaysia right now for me, rather that I feel like it's a place to relax, a place to just laze around. It's hard. It's not like that. Everyday is a day to learn, to go back and get back again. Learn to not sit down and do nothing. Learn to be initiative. I learn that when you're not doing something that you can be proud of in your day, you become lazy. You become lazy when you try to not do anything, when you give yourself in to be lazy. It's a choice. I think I live by this phrase : 'Everybody has a choice'. You either choose to be or you choose otherwise. It's up to you. When you made that choice, stick to it and if it doesn't feel right, there's always a choice to turn the other way. I've learn that you don't expect the things you want from people, from circumstances, you do it because you want to. Because you want to learn something else. Everyday, it is a day to learn. I'm going back Melbourne on Wednesday. I can say I can't wait to go back to Melbourne. There's no voice saying that I want to or I don't want to. I don't want to leave Malaysia is because one is family and comfort, the other is career and self-discovery. So either, i'm not fussed about it.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Questions that need to be answered.

I should actually be working on my script right now but i'm not. They say happiness is a choice but when you're in a position where sadness overwhelms every single thing that you do, you just accept it and get yourself even deeper into it. That's when depression comes in. Maybe it's too early for me to feel this way, maybe it's just my personality that I over think things, I give up easily on things. Yes, you tell me that I need to do this, do that, I just can't. I've been beaten up over and over again till I have no reason to get back up again. It's in this moment where I need someone to listen, someone to pull me back up again, someone who is strong enough to share, to handle both myself and the own self. 

Maybe I was there for a moment, to feel the joy of being confident, to feel the hunger, to feel the need, the want for a change, to be happy, to be able to just be inspiring, encouraging, to be at that top. What I find is like, at the end of the day, it's a cycle and you can't escape the fact that it is a cycle. You can be at your very top but at the end of the day you will fall. Influences, voices, cries, everything will just affect you till you're down. I'm a man with little faith, not strong to withstand my ground, not weak that it will completely tear me down. But i've come to the point where, everyday, it's just sad passing days. With all the arguments, all the fights, all the criticism, all the bad things that one can say, even the good things too that brought about from a different perspective, different tone, different way, it just expose me up too much that I can't do it anymore.
I came home, hoping for inspiration, hoping for encouragement, I wish a house of laughters, of hope, of just the simplicity of being home. I wanted that to push me forward, to become a better person but it turns out, it became a home where it has its own problems, so many wrongs to be righted, so many people involve that has its own issues. Basically there is so much negativity, so much criticism, so much words to describe someone, something in a really bad way. Not to say that it's bad but it's something where it deviates so much from inspiration and encouragement. It's not what I really want. I mean, you can learn from all this, you can have a new set of perspectives of how to deal with problems, how to overcome misunderstanding but sometimes you just want to get way from all these problems but all you get is another sort of stress. It just makes me even moody when you don't have a place of comfort and everywhere you go is either stress or problems. It's hard to deal with other things when at home you have so much problems.

Emotions for me is really hard to deal with. I'm a guy and yes, I think we live with stereotypes. I guess it is for me. We want simplicity. We don't want anything to affect emotionally. We want to be strong physically. I can't help it when i'm really struggling emotionally. I want to be stable emotionally and spiritually and if the people beside are not supporting me to be better at these, I don't see why I need to be there. For the source of inspiration, source of happiness if it's no from family, I don't know where else can I go to. I tell myself over and over again, I don't want to grow apart from the family, but I kept getting this feeling that I am. I don't want to. I love my family. I love every single one of them. But why do I feel like I have to give up on them? Is there something affecting me to think like that? Is there a difference in our mind sets? Do I want something that is not what family intended for us to be? When I want to achieve so much, does it eventually deviates me from my family? I have no answer but to pray all these to God. I have no answers only questions.
It was a really hard time at dinner. I wasn't at ease from then till now. Feeling really guilty for acting this way, feeling really lost in where am I at now. I just don't like when I'm not stable emotionally. I just want to get out of this. I don't want to build walls anymore if I was building any at all. I just feel very trapped. I don't know how to explain this right here. There's so many things going on right now in my mind and my heart. I don't want to be so selfish to as now only I seek God. I don't want to be in this moment to seek Him. I find like I needed faith and the bible can save me from this. To not focus on the things that troubles me and just find love from the bible itself. Maybe there's where I can find my salvation. Maybe that's what I needed all along. Maybe God has been telling me that no matter what circumstances will overcome you, you need to be able to stand by yourself and not depending on anybody, see what happens from the past when depend on somebody, see what happens now when you want to depend on somebody when nobody is there accept only friends who care about you can only give you comfort with words. But I can, I can give you what other can't, I can give you when no one is there. When you're lonely, when you're lost, when you're feeling in doubt, I am always here, ready to give you what I can in My power. Listen to My voice, read My voice. There are all there in the bible. Pick it up and see where My love can take you.

I guess that's what God tells me to do when I write just now. It's like a conscience, a voice running on my heart while I write, I just interpreted it what He said. Wow, that was a moment. Anyway yeah, it's the only way I think I can find my refuge. Let's start tonight. I'm still hopeful that I can come out of this. I'm still hopeful that no matter what happens, we can all be happy as a family and we can all stand each other no matter what circumstances are. We are still family. Though we all gone through experiences, we still come back as a family. There's bound to be problems when you're with your family but we just move on the next day. We don't linger on it. Everyday we learn to be. Everyday we find little by little of ourselves. Though I'm in a different generation, 10/12 years gap from my brothers and childhood mostly spent with maids, parents sickness and cancer, there was never a  'me' moment. I thought I was spoilt but independent. We need to away from the past and focus on the future. I shouldn't just try my best to learn each other characters. I should just learn to be happy with them. Be the joy in the room. I think I took this too far in that I need to satisfy them. I think by changing my perspective to be who I am and do what I can to help. My parents are getting old, brothers don't really have that much time anymore, I can help by just being the joy, smile and just be the heart of the family.

I should be saying that I'm done soaking myself in negativity and turn that into positivity. Just learn how to be accept, not keep quiet, but tell things in a nice way, learn how to be merciful, learn how to just be understanding, learn not to be quick tempered. 

I should learn how to be a person.