Make life hectic and rewarding.

This month is different. The feelings are different. Perspectives are different.

From time to time, there's something that would change what you think out of a sudden. You become a new man. People change. What is principles at the end of the day?

Anyway, life has been really hectic lately. So many things to do. To be honest, i'm quite liking the fact of being busy. It keeps you going rather than slowing you down and to do nothing. I'm really scared of not doing anything. Yes, I want to find time to relax and chill. Cycle to the beach and just spend the evening there, watching the sun set and watching the night lights shine. I really want to do that but things has been piling up for me. Assignments, projects, internship, friends, clubs, exercise, doing covers, movies. I love it when you are busy and you know what you need to do to finish it and at the end of the day, you feel accomplished. You feel like you have done something. Being creative is the one that drags, the assignments, the projects, the ones that needs your brain juice, adrenaline to pump it up. It's so frustrating, I don't know about you but I think in general, arts students are in the same dilemma too.

What I have been busy with?
MoMU(Malaysians of Melbourne University) Club. I'm the IT Director. I need to produce a newsletter by the end of every month. I compile the content and send it to my officer to do it. I need to update the website. Ahh, the website is not updated for a month already and there's so many events that I need to put it up. Have to have meeting every Wednesday after my 6 o'clock class.

Meld Magazine. Yes, I'm in it as a social media manager intern. I'm in charge of Tumblr now. So i have to keep on updating the site now until June. I have to be there for meetings, workshops, and everything. I need to be quite present with this. Now, I'm quite lost with what's happening. It feels like a freelance job. But anyway, that's that too.

Uni. I have a 100% project due in June. I have to be updated with that if i'll be doomed. Like really die. April 11th I have an essay due. Week 7 I have an assignment due. I have to choose 2 tutes for my marketing assignment. I have not done any readings since the start of the semester. I need to do it but i'm so busy that I could not. I really need to.

Friends. Don't get the wrong idea but I love hanging out with friends. To just spend time with them and chill with them. I love that. Going out for dinners, spending the night at friend's place, exercising with them, watching movies, cycling. This is what makes uni so fun.

Exercise. I've tried to play more badminton. But I really need to exercise, lose weight. Eat healthily.

That pretty much sums up my current life.
To be honest, i've tried living life to its fullest. Not setting down with being sad, being depressed, being demotivated by things that will drain you your energy and time. I choose to live. I choose to be happy. I really think it's a choice everyday we make to feel this, to feel that. I guess what I tried to do is. To just take each step at a time. Sometimes, yes, I do get too overwhelmed with myself, I get over too much, sometimes I just miss out. That's life isn't it? Even though I'm tired, I still try my very best to go for the next one, to look forward for the next one. Probably that's why I needed the rest. I haven't really rested myself since the internship back in KL. I need a holiday.

I want to be myself. I don't really care what people think of me anymore. Well, I try to. I was actually working on my 1 second a day video, I don't think I'm up to date with it anymore. I'm too overwhelmed with the things outside the phone than to record it down with my phone. Sometimes the occasion is bigger than the phone. What I really need to do now is just settle myself. I'm too out, I'm never in, if you know what i'm saying. In other words, I'm always outside of the house than to be at home. This semester, is so strange because last sem, I used to stay at home and be with my computer the whole day. Now, I use my ipad more often than to open my laptop and use it. I've been playing a lot of guitar lately. I didn't know I can play so many songs. It's really nice with what I can come up with with the guitar. The acoustic covers. I love it. I've been uploading a lot of covers. My YouTube is quite alive right now. I'm quite proud of it actually. Here's to more videos to come.

Long time I never bought groceries, today was the first time being in like what, a month? I should cook more, eat more healthy food, and exercise and burn my belly and boob fats. I want to wear white shirts! Oh, there's one weekend where it was really hectic. Thursday I was doing my assignment till late like 5? but I couldn't do. It was due the next. At one, only I started doing and finish off at 4:30. Then I was chilling with friends until like 5 again? The next day I have MoMU race? That was the whole day, then I went to my friends house for steamboat, played kinnect, sweating, went for clubbing, then I slept at 5 again! Sunday, I went for church at 11 after that. It was so hectic that time. Wait, it was just last week. It shows how busy life is right now. Everyday there's always something to do. I become quite ignorant towards Christ. It's so hard to have a relationship with Him. I want to? As soon as you channel everything you are doing and let God be the centre of it. That's more or less, the true meaning of having a relationship with Him. You trust Him, He will do wonders. Attending church is not enough, I want to be involved. I want to say that, yes, everyday, I do think of Him and whatever I do, the focus is towards Him. I want to say that. I really hope this year I would change to be closer to Him.

Probably the summer, it changed me a lot. I guess when I started working, it gave me a new sense of direction and some new perspective. To actually appreciate and to take risk, to seize all possible opportunities. I guess this is what you call living life to its fullest? I do the things I love. Badminton, YouTube, movies, singing, friends, dancing, etc. Not wasting time on other things that does not benefit me. It sounds selfish but it's not. It's just you knowing how to choose. The pursuit of happiness. If happiness was ever to be pursued. To look forward to each day as it comes. I believe if you know how to channel yourself to do what you want to do and to do what you need to do. You will see that there is more to life itself. Don't focus your energy on the things that will bring you down and learn how to say no. Because draining your energy and time is the last thing you want to do if you want to end your university life with a bang. I know for a sure, I don't want to regret when I start to work for the rest of my life knowing that I could have not much more when I was in Uni.

Working life and university life is so bloody different. I don't like it but I know in the end, you have to accept it. Oh well, i'm living the university life and before I can think of my working life, I want to know that I enjoyed my university life. So bring it on, life. Show me what you got because I'm ready to take in what's in for me.

Focusing on passion.

So many things, so many thoughts, so many experiences.

MIND

I should say it's too many and it is all happening so very fast. I just can't seem to just stop and think for a second and write it down. It has been like that ever since I came back to Melbourne. Once touch down, trouble with the key, had to be in orientation for two days straight and move SuAnn's and Ching's belongings to their new place. Got sun burnt and sick straightaway. Was just so tired, body was aching, but I was not complaining that I'm back to Melbourne. I felt like I want to be back, I want to do things, to keep myself busy, to be occupied, to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I felt like the weight has lifted off.

I had my Meld Magazine interview, had to bring freshers around for the MoMU event, had to prepare for the first week of the last year of my degree. Thinking about which classes should I go, thinking which subject should I take, which people should I hang out with, what sort of routine should I do, what book should I read, what food should I eat, what sports should I play, what electronics/DVDs should I buy, what stationeries, what groceries, what cereal should I eat. This is now my second week. I can still say that I am not fully settled yet. I should have come back earlier. Done all these things, hang out with all my friends and I can already settled myself nicely in Melbourne. Honestly, I don't want to leave this country. First reason, the life here is good. Second reason, once you settle yourself here, the things that is available to you is so beneficial. But, finding work is hard, applying PR is hard, working with caucasian is hard, leaving family behind is hard. So it's really really hard to decide. I'm taking my future seriously right now. All I have to take seriously now is now itself. To study hard, to get experiences, to learn and to just get good results so I can actually say that I'm applicable for Masters.

FOCUS

This is my last year, I don't want to waste it. I want to make full use of it. To the things that is right for me, to choose the things that benefits me, to be in circumstances that are importance of me. I've learn so much about choosing the things that matters to you, to have that sense of focus until I become this mean and sarcastic person. I find myself really rude and disgusting sometimes. I felt it too with my embarrassment and disappointment. I guess it's all about experiences isn't it? I can't change myself unless I experience something that can change me. What happened to me during the holidays is what affects me now. My mum just became that person that I have to experience everyday for the past 3 months. Change me to this person I am today. I should learn not to be a people pleaser and be a God pleaser but it is so hard to get away for the circumstances that I am in. I'm emotional, sensitive and just mean because of the things I've experience. Sorry in advance.

I think you will know me better once you really get to know me. I mean I only be the way that I am because there are things that make me deal with this situation with this attitude and sometimes I don't have the answer for it. I'm just really saddened with the way I speak sometimes. The awkwardness, when I cannot form the words to say it out, the clumsiness of my mind, mouth and intention. I just wish I can take things back, to take situations back, to do it again one more time, those screw ups, maybe it's just me trying to pull everyone to be with me. That's not good. It's hard when you want to just make friends, you just don't how to approach and sometimes you say the wrong things you act the wrong way, people think of you as weird, awkward, strange and just with judgemental attitude towards you. I find that hard to please. I wish I can but I should not because those who are closest to me should know what I stand for, who I am, when I meant a joke, the fun part, the serious part and the kind part. I guess we take those situations as a way to learn to how to be more sociable the next time. Sometimes when the creative juice is not working, it's just hard when you're trying so hard to be sociable and you don't want to be awkward with them. Nevermind.

STRESS

I don't know what should I do really. One point I was just really sad. Like just everything collapsed on me. Relationships, friendships, future, religion, studies, house, opportunities, commitments, work, literally everything. Like I just can't hold it anymore. It was too much for me. My house was messy, things were not settled, I was really sick. I was just in a really really bad day that day. I was exhausted, tired, and just couldn't care less about anything anymore. At least now I'm getting my feet back on the ground and started walking, damn, I feel like I can walk, run and just fly. Not yet. I clean my room, make sure everything is all nicely organised but still, i'm not settled. There are things that I still need to take care of. There are still things to do but I just couldn't care less. There are other stuff that I needed to do. University has been really busy with readings, classes and all. This internship is intense too. Every single week there's things to do until april/may only then it's more chilling. There's MoMU where it takes out a lot of energy. With the website haven't updated till this day, twitter/instagram to update every event, and photographer for the events when HuiLi our photographer is not there. I had to feel in the spot. Plus with all the other commitments I just can't. I also need to catch up with friends, make new friends, learn how to be a senior to the juniors and just trying to fit in to the society.

I just hope I can get the balance of all these. That's why sometimes I couldn't care with the things I say, the act I put, the mean and sarcastic jokes that I say. It's just hard to deal with every single problem/circumstances you have. I told myself to be closer with God each day to find peace, I haven't done anything. I guess I haven't found the importance of God in my life. So I pray now for that importance to hit me, to really feel His presence over me. From there, I feel like things are going to change. But I hope it doesn't take that long, because I really need to be there with Him. Church has been great. So just hope the Word grabs hold of me and teach me how to become a better person. Currently, there's a lot of things in my mind and I don't have the time and energy to entertain so many things, really. I know it's harsh and mean but sometimes you just have to have a focus and a goal to just put things aside and just focus on that one goal you want to achieve. That I call passion. Bought and got signed by this Paster Gerry. Great man. If you're really passionate with what you are doing right now, doesn't care if you offend people or not, I think if you get the result from the things you are passionate about, that reward is worth fighting for. For me right now, I know there are things that I shouldn't do, say or act. But I know I need to get a good grade, get experiences from internships, opportunities, my passion for music and film, understanding God, meet new and great people, have fun and go on an adventure. This is my goal, focus and passion for this year. Whatever things that may happen, it's not really of my concern. I would not hesitate to put it aside. Take out all the drama, take out all the things that wastes my energy, take out all the people that gives you that judgemental, critical attitude towards you. I can say you win some, you lose some. Learning the art of losing and being the loser. I think the greatest success is when you lose every single time. Because whether you get up or not no matter how hard you have been hit is what determines you. So hit me, life, as hard as you can, because I know what I'm focusing on this year. So hit me hard if you can.
PASSION
I don't know what's wrong with my YouTube videos lately. It's not getting any likes, any comments, any views. It's quite sad. But i'm only at 38/39 videos now. People who are successful in YouTube has over 700/800 videos. So this year, I'm targeting 100 or if I want to be that adventurous 200! So good luck Jen. I'm not going to play so much PS3/PS4. I'm going read, cover more videos, do more film reviews, read all the books i've bought and read the readings for my subjects. I have to do it. I don't know what the future holds but there's so many things that I can think of right now. But future is not what worries me. I should not worry. I will not worry. Because at the end of the day, you think so much, you won't do. So I hope I will do more, have more action and just do what I'm passionate about. Music, film and writing.

There and back again.

T'WAS

The difference between last month and this month. 7 blog posts and now only 1. What have I been doing since I stopped my internship. Can't say that I did much. It was Chinese New Year and it was boring. It wasn't like the years before when everybody would go their friends house and it is a more lively environment. It's been so long since i've played fireworks like what, 10? The second day already, I was thinking where are the friends, where is everybody. Most of them follow their family travelling. I think it's what is in their minds nowadays, to do something different. To go away for once and just be with their family, travelling and see what the world is during Chinese New Year. Honestly, I don't mind the usual. To stick with what is at home and do it even though you are doing it for years and years, again and again. Chinese culture like i've seen in the movie 'The Journey', it teaches you be closer with the family. Other cultures, they have their own values too. But, if you break that rule and you try to do something else, things change. After that, I was quite busy. Going in and out of KL twice in a week. One is to meet up with the relatives in KL also to go for Steve's open house. That was done. Second was the cousin lunch for just a day trip. That was done. In Ipoh, the first few days, nobody and it was sad when me and Joel was just finding people on contact list to see which house can be go. Call no answer. Message never reply. The fact is everybody has a break only in that one week. After that everybody would start their university, plus i'm already going back on the 26th so it was kind of the only chance to meet up. It was quite disappointing at first but it was alright the next. Got to meet up with Jonathan they all and that's all done. At least I get to meet up with most of my friends.

ORGASMIC

The next was just playing badminton, FIFA, singing and just trying to exercise even more. I've been reading books, well, i try, but at least I did read finish one. A small one. Well, most of the time, I've been playing a lot of badminton. Something about badminton that gives me satisfaction. Not in a sexual way, well technically it is, but it's more sadistic when you think of it. I like the idea of being suffocated, being really tired from badminton, when your muscles get all tensed up, your breathing starts to turn to panting really badly, sweat pouring down your body like you just taken a shower, that I like. No. I love. I think it's because from young till now, I got into competitive training, it was really harsh and hard every single week. I remember the training I got from Richard Tim. The physically of it. Wow. I wish I can do that again. I wish I can train like that again. Again, regretted that I have decided to stop that training. I was just passing time and really getting LAZY. It was, it IS very bad now. Not even want to move, plus when you play so hard, you don't want to move. Putting yourself everywhere, from couch, chairs, bed, tables, nah. I've stopped sugar, that's good. I kinda stopped cookies, Chinese New Year cookies. So no. I've been drinking a lot of Ribena recently. That's bad but in this hot weather you really need cold drinks like Ribena. That's a strategic planner research right there for you. That's that.

LINGER

Wilson came over last weekend. I tell you. He is like the only guy that I can be myself. Really he and I we are like soul mates. Not cheesy here, not being gay, not being anything but bromance right there. Thank you for coming. I needed you. You complete me. It's because of you I feel better. It's because you I am me. It's because of you I thank God that I can live the next day. This. is. really. gay. Hands down, best cousin, best friend, best brother. We did covers, we talked about life, relationships, career, movies, love, music, games, anything you name it. It's like he is my twin. HOWEVER, he is an annoying sick son of a bitch. I'm kidding. Oh yes, the thing about swearing. You can do it for fun. But when you do it like you mean it, that's cursing and that's bad for you. Learn that shit up, bitch. :) that's being kind. Not cursing at you. Motivation baby. It was not long before he had to go. He had to go back even though how hard me and my mum convinced him to stay. Talking about me and my mum, well, it wasn't good at all last week. But i've learn how to deal with things now. I'm not sure but so far, now, it's all good. Like we talked, laughed and was watching movies together so that's good but the week before was bad. I think her output is me. Ranting about everything to me. When I do a simple mistake, it's about time for her to use it to talk to me and rant the things she really want to talk about. Although sometimes it's hard to take in, you just have to suck it up and hope that it will all pass sooner or later. Her cool down time takes about a few days. So you can imagine. She wants to go Melbourne to spend time with me so I can see that it's not that our relationship is being sour or anything but she knows I'm the closest where she uses me as an output to feel better. Well, if thats the case, I'll do anything as a son to be there for my mum. Even if I was meant to go through all the rants, criticism, judgement and accusations. She booked me for the entire year, april break, july break, december break. WHY? Well, she said the same thing last year but she didn't come. So it's quite unpredictable.

HAPPY

I've been listening to 'Linger' by The Cranberries and 'Happy' by Pharell these days. I really love old songs. Sometimes, when you mix old and the new, you get different range. I don't know whether is this true but that's what I thought. So many books yet to read. New semester is starting soon. Subjects chosen, time chosen, everyday also has class. Third year, I NEED TO DO WELL if I want to do masters. Plans has been set. Internship and Masters in Melbourne. Try for PR and work for few years before I settle myself down in Malaysia. Being in Malaysia right now for me, rather that I feel like it's a place to relax, a place to just laze around. It's hard. It's not like that. Everyday is a day to learn, to go back and get back again. Learn to not sit down and do nothing. Learn to be initiative. I learn that when you're not doing something that you can be proud of in your day, you become lazy. You become lazy when you try to not do anything, when you give yourself in to be lazy. It's a choice. I think I live by this phrase : 'Everybody has a choice'. You either choose to be or you choose otherwise. It's up to you. When you made that choice, stick to it and if it doesn't feel right, there's always a choice to turn the other way. I've learn that you don't expect the things you want from people, from circumstances, you do it because you want to. Because you want to learn something else. Everyday, it is a day to learn. I'm going back Melbourne on Wednesday. I can say I can't wait to go back to Melbourne. There's no voice saying that I want to or I don't want to. I don't want to leave Malaysia is because one is family and comfort, the other is career and self-discovery. So either, i'm not fussed about it.

Questions that need to be answered.

WHY?

I should actually be working on my script right now but i'm not. They say happiness is a choice but when you're in a position where sadness overwhelms every single thing that you do, you just accept it and get yourself even deeper into it. That's when depression comes in. Maybe it's too early for me to feel this way, maybe it's just my personality that I over think things, I give up easily on things. Yes, you tell me that I need to do this, do that, I just can't. I've been beaten up over and over again till I have no reason to get back up again. It's in this moment where I need someone to listen, someone to pull me back up again, someone who is strong enough to share, to handle both myself and the own self. 

Maybe I was there for a moment, to feel the joy of being confident, to feel the hunger, to feel the need, the want for a change, to be happy, to be able to just be inspiring, encouraging, to be at that top. What I find is like, at the end of the day, it's a cycle and you can't escape the fact that it is a cycle. You can be at your very top but at the end of the day you will fall. Influences, voices, cries, everything will just affect you till you're down. I'm a man with little faith, not strong to withstand my ground, not weak that it will completely tear me down. But i've come to the point where, everyday, it's just sad passing days. With all the arguments, all the fights, all the criticism, all the bad things that one can say, even the good things too that brought about from a different perspective, different tone, different way, it just expose me up too much that I can't do it anymore.

WHY?

I came home, hoping for inspiration, hoping for encouragement, I wish a house of laughters, of hope, of just the simplicity of being home. I wanted that to push me forward, to become a better person but it turns out, it became a home where it has its own problems, so many wrongs to be righted, so many people involve that has its own issues. Basically there is so much negativity, so much criticism, so much words to describe someone, something in a really bad way. Not to say that it's bad but it's something where it deviates so much from inspiration and encouragement. It's not what I really want. I mean, you can learn from all this, you can have a new set of perspectives of how to deal with problems, how to overcome misunderstanding but sometimes you just want to get way from all these problems but all you get is another sort of stress. It just makes me even moody when you don't have a place of comfort and everywhere you go is either stress or problems. It's hard to deal with other things when at home you have so much problems.

Emotions for me is really hard to deal with. I'm a guy and yes, I think we live with stereotypes. I guess it is for me. We want simplicity. We don't want anything to affect emotionally. We want to be strong physically. I can't help it when i'm really struggling emotionally. I want to be stable emotionally and spiritually and if the people beside are not supporting me to be better at these, I don't see why I need to be there. For the source of inspiration, source of happiness if it's no from family, I don't know where else can I go to. I tell myself over and over again, I don't want to grow apart from the family, but I kept getting this feeling that I am. I don't want to. I love my family. I love every single one of them. But why do I feel like I have to give up on them? Is there something affecting me to think like that? Is there a difference in our mind sets? Do I want something that is not what family intended for us to be? When I want to achieve so much, does it eventually deviates me from my family? I have no answer but to pray all these to God. I have no answers only questions.

WHY?

It was a really hard time at dinner. I wasn't at ease from then till now. Feeling really guilty for acting this way, feeling really lost in where am I at now. I just don't like when I'm not stable emotionally. I just want to get out of this. I don't want to build walls anymore if I was building any at all. I just feel very trapped. I don't know how to explain this right here. There's so many things going on right now in my mind and my heart. I don't want to be so selfish to as now only I seek God. I don't want to be in this moment to seek Him. I find like I needed faith and the bible can save me from this. To not focus on the things that troubles me and just find love from the bible itself. Maybe there's where I can find my salvation. Maybe that's what I needed all along. Maybe God has been telling me that no matter what circumstances will overcome you, you need to be able to stand by yourself and not depending on anybody, see what happens from the past when depend on somebody, see what happens now when you want to depend on somebody when nobody is there accept only friends who care about you can only give you comfort with words. But I can, I can give you what other can't, I can give you when no one is there. When you're lonely, when you're lost, when you're feeling in doubt, I am always here, ready to give you what I can in My power. Listen to My voice, read My voice. There are all there in the bible. Pick it up and see where My love can take you.

I guess that's what God tells me to do when I write just now. It's like a conscience, a voice running on my heart while I write, I just interpreted it what He said. Wow, that was a moment. Anyway yeah, it's the only way I think I can find my refuge. Let's start tonight. I'm still hopeful that I can come out of this. I'm still hopeful that no matter what happens, we can all be happy as a family and we can all stand each other no matter what circumstances are. We are still family. Though we all gone through experiences, we still come back as a family. There's bound to be problems when you're with your family but we just move on the next day. We don't linger on it. Everyday we learn to be. Everyday we find little by little of ourselves. Though I'm in a different generation, 10/12 years gap from my brothers and childhood mostly spent with maids, parents sickness and cancer, there was never a  'me' moment. I thought I was spoilt but independent. We need to away from the past and focus on the future. I shouldn't just try my best to learn each other characters. I should just learn to be happy with them. Be the joy in the room. I think I took this too far in that I need to satisfy them. I think by changing my perspective to be who I am and do what I can to help. My parents are getting old, brothers don't really have that much time anymore, I can help by just being the joy, smile and just be the heart of the family.

I should be saying that I'm done soaking myself in negativity and turn that into positivity. Just learn how to be accept, not keep quiet, but tell things in a nice way, learn how to be merciful, learn how to just be understanding, learn not to be quick tempered. 

I should learn how to be a person.

What he said.

Anxiety.

I was on my desk, siting, waiting, eager to speak to Peter. It's been on my mind for days. There's so many things that I wanted to know, wanted to ask because Peter is someone that I can really talk to out of everybody, really. Not Audrey, definitely not Hasnah, and it's too little to talk with Anthea. There's not much time left. I'm ending my internship on the 29th and I think I made the right choice of ending it. I think not only do I need to spend more time with my family but spend more time at home, in Ipoh. I think I won't have the chance like I used to. I only have around 20 days in Ipoh. Compared to 20 days getting less than 10 jobs in the office, I prefer to spend that 20 days at home. Not to say that I would do anything also, but at least I'm spending time at home. I would not have the chance when I graduated. I would want to apply myself for some internship in Melbourne, apply for PR and have the chance to work there.

Confused.

It's been hard for me in the last two months. Thinking of what I should be doing, worrying about the future. Not just that, the tough times I have with family, with parents, just the fact of being at home. Well, talking to Peter helps me to just get myself focused and to just understand what the future holds. Not to say that he doesn't really know what to say. But from what I remembered and to recalled what he said to me last Wednesday? Freelancing copywriting is not really what I should be doing unless i've established myself with few other companies and big brands, that is when you start to do freelance. Search for creative recruitments, they will help you to work at different companies, big or small, it's about building your portfolio. It's good that you can put any piece of writing in there. Rebranding some campaigns, the work you've done and not really the simple lines but ads that you have done. I think what people would look for is the ideas. Just take a brand and see what ideas you can bring to the table and advertise them, in terms of copy, not really with the visuals and all. Its hard when you are a copywriter and yet you need to know about designs and packaging when it's not really my thing.

I think the gist of what Peter was telling me that day was that you can do so many things, there's so many things out there that gives you an opportunity but it's good if you can start narrowing down what you want to do. His personal experience is that he didn't expect he would come to JWT in Kuala Lumpur and work at the things he is working now. I guess it all depends on the clients you will be working and the opportunities you get. Small companies gives you more things to do, more opportunities, more campaigns to work at but smaller clients whereas big companies gives you big clients but less work. This is an interns point of view. If I want to pursue something, read books on it. I gave my script for feedback and its really good that I can have feedback on the things I've done. For Peter, he did creative writing as a degree and after that he did not know what can he do, he went to the creative recruitments and found out about copywriter and this is what he has been doing ever since. He said he liked the people here, the culture, just that sometimes at work, it's a bit hard working with the directors. Sometimes it's just hard when you don't have something in common. In overseas, like in London, directors would take the ideas and push forward, they are more like a facilitators towards your ideas. Here in Asia Pacific, countries like Malaysia, directors would have their own thoughts on where they want to take the idea, so directors are more like the chooser? Most of the work copywriters and art director done either would not be accepted or just leave it aside. It's a very different perspective but all in all, it's just different companies and how different companies work.

I guess in every company, you get different types of environment, different types of people. So, when you have the chance to get yourself into different companies, that is the time when you get experiences. It certainly gives me some perspective in the future but I still don't really know what i'm suppose to do. I can't really set any goals yet for 2014. Maybe it's still early, maybe we just can't tell what the future is you know? Me and Peter we talked for almost an hour something. I'm trying my best to remember what he said. Ah, I should have just written out everything he said to me that day. I could have remember most of it while it's still fresh that day. All I can recall is that just read books that benefits you if thats the thing you pursue, gain more experience with internships and just build your portfolio to be able to get work. Other things that was said that day, I can't really remember. Just small little things like how does the company works, how JWT works, the different roles and the advantage and disadvantage working at JWT and generally being a copywriter.

What's next?

I bought a new journal. I don't know what can I use it for. It's still blank. I read the copy book 'How Some of the Best Advertising Writers in the World Write Their Advertising'. It's a great book. I should just start from there and just jot down every idea i have. Anyway, I can't believe Wednesday is my last day. Apart of me saying I should just continue working, part of me just want to stop and just give myself a break before the start of semester 1. Oh yah, if you guys didn't know, I wrote a short film movie script. It was my first ever script. It's cheesy but its okay. I'll try my best to edit it out and just make it a better script. Part 1 is finished and I'm currently working on Part 2. It's really hard doing this but i'll try my best. It's called Different People. Ask me for it if you want to read it.

Scriptwriter, Copywriter, Strategic Planner, Social Media Manager, Market Researcher, maybe even some jobs in production. These are some of the jobs I have in mind if I were to find a job. Since now, i've done copywriting and starting to learn on being a social media manager and quite like the idea of strategic planner also writing my own scripts. I'm planning to find an internship on being a strategic planner/market researcher in Melbourne, in companies like Mindshare/Nielsen? Something like that. From there, I'll just see what I can do from there. Definitely I will want to do my IELTS and hopefully apply for PR. I hope I don't give people pressure or saying until like I'm some guy who only cares about his career. In person, I don't boast about my career or the work i'm doing or anything like that. I just think it's good to put things into perspective and to just have a goal to reach for. I guess in 2014 the things I would be doing are:

1. Complete my script and learn how to write a better script.
2. Developed another story if I complete my first script early.
3. Buy a bike and travel around Melbourne.
4. Be healthy and just cook more often and exercise more often.
5. To just get to the bottom line of what I want to do next. (internship/PR/work)

That's my goals so far. As long as it's doable.

Believe.

I didn't really get myself involved with God that much nowadays. It might be a sad thing that I so wish that I can have a relationship with Him but I guess for me it's like, I know what is right and what is wrong, I can distinguish what you need and what you don't need. All that I ever needed to enrich my life with God is reading the bible and sacrifice more of myself to God but I just can't seem to do it and maybe I'm just doing it the wrong way. Not to say that I'm distancing myself from Him but if anyone comes up to me and say something about God or anyone who is in doubt, who is in trouble, I know the right words to comfort them with the Word of God. Planetshakers conference that night was like an inspiration. I know what I needed to do but it's all about confidence and commitment. It applies to every single thing that I do. If I commit myself, to be discipline, to build my confidence, then only can make words to action, goals to action. What I got from Peter is that whatever I do has to be based on the sense of being proactive and just pursue with interest. Set myself to do what I really want to do and just focus on it till the very end.

Updates.

I'm still not doing much work in the office. Got jobs for Ford which is a treat. Thank you, Peter. Read my script, gave me jobs to do, gave me feedback, talked to me about personal experiences, writing me a reference letter. Hasnah gave me work on Friday. I thank you for the job, but working with her is really discouraging, everything I do is either rejected or not clear to her. Unlike Ravi and Peter, things are less stressful and just it's fun to do work even though the things given are more or less boring. Audrey is quite busy so can't really get work from her, working with her is also stressful because you need to perform and it's not really fun, it's more stressful, same like Hasnah but much better than Hasnah. Personal Opinion. I don't really know whether to stay in Kl more often or stay in Ipoh, since all of my friends are in KL. Can't wait for Chinese New Year, reunion with the families! Cut down on my intake of sweets. Trying to stop eating Chinese New Year cookies. Reading a lot of copy books lately, should stop and read other books. Just want to exercise and get fit really quickly, this annoying accusation of me being fat is really getting on my nerves. It's been hard dealing with my family especially my parents but it's alright, criticism well taken and trying to my best to understand an be the best son. Sometimes I just don't want to talk cause you don't want any arguments to start it off but I think i'm handling it well. So just hope nothing major like the car talk again. I just want to rest, and just relax and just take a time out and just be lazy. I've been working or being under the influence of stress and a lot of criticism. Anyway, I want to learn this piece for Valentine's day and hopefully I can play this for someone. Sing and play piano at the same time. Hard thing to do but I will try. Oh, that day, sang karaoke with Tekyi was so relieving till I got sad. Its because it's so relieving that you just get rid of all the walls and all the limits you put yourselves into. It's different when you let yourself go like that. So yah, till then.  

Ever words, no action.

I'm going to keep this private from all social media. I think it's the best. Sometimes it's a bit too personal.

As the wheel of the chair turns from side to side, sat down with my butt feeling the friction rubbing against the chair, I rest my palms on the sides of the laptop. Placing my fingers on each black keys like it is a symphony, the sound of clicks. Each alphabet generating a sentence that leads to a piece of work.

sigh.

There is where I'm at. Ideas flowing around my head as to where i'm about to write, what comes first, what sentence after this. It's like deciphering a word puzzle and relating every single alphabets with a cause and an effect. Where have I come to, I do not know. I've been travelling and just seeking answers to questions that may yet be a sign of inspiration or to encourage to go the extra miles in life. In life, there's been ups and downs and truly the ups seem shorter than the downs. One minute you feeling happy the next, depression comes in. How do we appreciate the ups and not dwell in the downs. We became so focus on the downs, we kept sailing down. Isn't it fair? I do envy people who can keep their heads up high the whole time.

Learning as we go. To experience the chance to be something, to put our names into the world, hopeful. I sense that it is not that easy. Obvious to the fact that things like this, it may seem childish at first but maturity has its childish moments. You will never know what to expect. You see yourself as mature is only but a thing of an illusion. Nothing is ever perfect, nothing is ever true. You can never argue against the truth. As Jack Nicholson says in the film: "You can't handle the truth". This already sense a negativity that can lead to more than just a simple saying. We allow ourselves to seed a thought into an idea that can lead to an influence. That influence changes us into something, someone we want and don't want. Want to be identified, don't want to feel that way. It's complicated.

Wow, that's a zone to go into. I find it really interesting that when you want to express yourself, you go into that zone in writing. Like, you go around expressing with words, formality of expression, if you know what i'm saying. You go to that place where it's deep and hard thoughts that even words sometimes is hard to express. Easy and simple it may seems to just convey a message but how we express it. I guess I'm still a beginner in this. Authors may already familiar how to not go there and just express with ease. Like you don't have to go to that formality of expression. Anyway, that's that.

I don't know what to feel sometimes, really. I became so forgetful sometimes, I just don't want to think unnecessary things. Like if there's something that is wasting my energy and time, I would just let it slide, not putting any effort into thinking. So many things it's just words, expressing how I feel, what should be done, what is happening, I just can't only put in words but not into action. How many times influencers, teachers, pastors, who teaches us how to put things into action. I just don't.  Only words. It takes a delay for me to do things. I take my time without thinking about the restriction of time and when time comes, I let mediocre get into place. No greatness comes into it.

sigh.

Relationships are hard. I don't think i'm up for it. I'm desperate, nothing is helping me in terms of my desperation. I can't have a commitment or to dedicate myself to someone else, I don't think now is the time. I love love but I don't think i'm ready for love. Look at me, not fit,  thinking only for myself, selfish and just greedy. I wish I could say i'm ready for one but i'm not. I don't want to disappoint anyone in the end. I'm scared i'm already doing it. I need to take a moment and realise that when the time is not right, I need to learn how to say no and when I don't, many things will come to affect. Sometimes I just need to let it go even though how easy it can be, to satisfy what you want. That September thing is what worries me now. All I can say now is that, there's so many things going on, I don't think I can handle a relationship. Too many commitments, too young to think so. It's so complicated and I don't want any complications going on. Focus on myself first before I go for someone else. All I ever wanted was guidance to be that someone. To guide me and to inspire me because nothing seems to inspire me now except in the world of movies. Mum told me: "Jen, you better stop watching movies. You've been watching so many movies lately. Don't watch all those complicated movies lah, makes you even more complicated, just watch those nice, easy movie can already." That's not really inspiring isn't it?

I guess when I'm not doing anything, I just feel so helpless. I don't know what else can I do. I felt guilty. I don't know who is at fault her. The company or myself. Shouldn't I be going out there and attend myself to meetings, briefs or anything. Just to get myself doing something. After a month or so, I should be familiar with the things going on here. Maybe it's my fault to think like it was their fault when it's mine. I should be going out there to work, to find work, to be involve, to get experience. Not just sitting myself down at the table not moving around and waiting for work to come to my door. I just wish I was a bit brave, a bit more hardworking, a bit more outgoing, to attend lunches, to talk better, to just work a little bit better. I don't think you get this from other companies, they just give it to you. For me here, i think the company is training me to go out there and get yourself work to do. My boss is always busy, other colleagues are not here sometimes, some don't even have work to do. When I have work to do, it's not really my job to do. Especially now with Kit Kat, i'm not a designer, i don't know about art, I just know writing. Not to say that I despise it, I'm just saying, it would be a lot better to handle writing than designing the packaging which I'm completely have no clue about it whatsoever. I never learn it before. Obviously, I would be slow to it. I find myself really slow. I'll just candy crush all the time. It's bad, really really bad.

sigh.

Mum and I we are okay. It's just those times when it's really hard for the both of us. And it's not just us, the people around us. It's hard. I guess over time we learn to accept and just try to live together. When I say I'm having trouble at home with mum and everything, it's not like a big deal. It's just like a day happened, a day forgotten. I guess we learn each day. Now, after so many things has happened, it started to change me a little. Two weeks ago, I was this full of ambition, full of inspiration, was talking the way I want to talk myself, slowly, it's gradually changing me to this, day dreamer, lazy and just wanting things to be quiet sort of person. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of it all that's all. Especially work. Like I said, only words to say, not actions. I need to change from what I say to do something productive each day and not just sit myself down and do nothing. I just need a guide, a guide for my life. I can't bring myself to read the bible, I guess God is telling me that i'm not ready yet. I can't bring myself to get into a relationship because I'm not ready myself, I guess God is telling me again that i'm not ready. All I can do is focus on myself. To find that something to achieve, to reach for goals, to be inspired. Say not to just words but turn into actions.

All I Ever Wanted.

First of all, sorry I didn't mention to you that my friend is coming. A lot of things is happening to me and I have to keep up with everything. So before you accuse me of something, stand in my shoes and understand what i'm going through first. Don't say I don't understand you because I tried so very hard to understand you. How does it feel when you try to understand someone when someone don't understand them back?

The one thing I do is let you see my life. It is a privilege.
The one place that I think it could be of use to be closer.
But no, the things that you take so seriously on, just makes it worse.
It make me wanting to stop blogging altogether.
Because how can I say what I feel, what I think is right, the things that are my personal opinions,
One thing I know, if I have a good reason to talk about it, I will talk about it.

This is going to sound so mean because I use 'you' or it maybe even more direct than speaking face to face. This is a post focused on personal opinion and the source of expressiveness, please.

YE BE WARNED, again.

I'm not comfortable writing this. Not one bit.

It's like there's no sense of respect. I guess I really need to say this. What you said yesterday hurt me a lot. That moment in the car, I could have yelled, prayed, walked out of the car, shouted, bang the car, God knows what I would have done. Everything that I wanted to say, everything that I think was right was clouded by you. All I every wanted was encouragement and inspiration. If there is a place for me to write my negativity out or to express my opinions here, then let me be. I don't want you to take advantage of this blog to tell me that I should have done this and that or that I was wrong and I should have done the right thing instead. I write the things I feel like writing (bad sentence), I write the things that I think I needed to address, the people that was involved. I was depressed. I was sad. The things that affected me, the things that I personally feel that I need to address, I put into this blog. Last time, I would just rant every single thing in small posts. That would have been many. But I've become mature. I want to have this space to improve my writing. So if I can express and improve, why wouldn't I want blog?

If you're taking this away from me, how would I express? Talk to you? No. That's not a good idea at all. You would take every single thing you can find and make it seem like it's a problem. I can't even write the things you say here. It's like what you say is always right. No, I don't want to go there. I don't even know how to express that. I was so angry and just holding every ounce that I can muster yesterday in the car because the things you said was really really mean. If I say you are wrong, you take it into a whole new level saying that "I should not talk anymore", " Whenever I say something, you say i'm nagging, this and that". That's why I don't want to express myself to you anymore. The things that it will lead to. Conversations that will lead to. Yesterday a simple question "In you eyes, what do you think my IQ and EQ is like", turn into all these accusation, criticism that I don't even know you will say until I found out everything that you are feeling yesterday. The things you said yesterday was so dark, it's really not a good way to find out when you don't talk to me about it. Suddenly just blast everything with that mean, dark voice. It's really scary.

Look,
1) I want to blog because I want to express myself, and if it gives me a space to improve my writing, encourage me to do so, not scolding me for not including you or saying that I'm too negative that I mention other people instead of you.

2) No other people wish for other people to have cancer, to die or to have sickness. So I don't wish you to die, I never wish you had cancer. When you had cancer, I didn't know what to do. I'm new to patients. I'm new to this sickness. So don't blame me for not caring, not being able to do anything to help. But I was there, I did not have my holidays because I had to stay with you and mind you, I don't know how to take care of you at that time. And if you come of age, I don't wish you to die faster. That's completely absurd. It's really sad that you got this sickness. I don't wish upon, if I was a mature person like now, It would have been different. Not to say that I don't take action, it's because it's so hard for me, I don't know what to do. Don't expect me to do so when others are even more capable of doing it.

3) Please do no go to the extreme when you try speak sense into me. I am a much smarter, better person than you think the person I am now. I'm letting you to live the way you wanted me to live. I may seem like a lazy person, a dumb person, a slow person or whatever I am to you, it's because you are there. You are there for me. GET THIS: YOU ARE THERE FOR ME. So I took advantage of that because I know you are there for me, so that I can relax and embrace your presence. I know it's bad of me as a person to do that. But you wanted to do the things you want to do for me. So I'm helpless, so I might just let you do it. I don't want to do anything because you don't let me do it. You can't handle mess, you can't handle things that is not right and you fix it, so I let you fix it. It's not a bad thing and you don't have to leave it to me do it because you can do it, you will do it. I'm living your lifestyle. I am  having a closer relationship with you here. Don't say that since it is like that you'll just leave everything and let other people do it. We have our own lifestyles too. If you were able to see my lifestyle in Melbourne, you would see that it's not that bad too. My friends complain that I'm neat, that I'm too clean for a guy. Do I have to prove myself even more? What more you want of me that I already give?

4) Till this point, I don't know what else to say. I'm just so tired and just the things I cannot express. I was really hurt yesterday. I wanted encouragement from you and inspiration to do more things, to do better things. To get insights on how to become a better person. You talk about your 'teachings'. I just- You don't criticise people to tell me that you are teaching me so that I learn. It's such a bad example of telling me what to do. You began to be so negative about things. What about me really? Am I that bad eating so much? Yes I am fat, I want to be fit too! I was stressed about work, give me some time, people have different ways of expressing themselves, mine was food. I chose this internship, if it was boring, it wasn't your fault, it was an experience for me. You just take things so damn seriously. I'm driven by ambition and focused too much on work, on my future? That I became stressed and looking tired everyday, inspire me! Tell me that it's alright, that i'm okay and that I will be great in the future. If I'm strive for greatness, be there for me, not telling me stick with mediocrity. Why can't you be on my side?

Oh yes.. I spend time with family? means I spend time with you. Tell me when did I ever not spend time with you? Even my friends and cousin said that why am I spending so much time with family? Don't they ever let you out? It's because I insist. I want to stay with you throughout this whole holiday. And no, I'm not so selfish to say I'm only back to spend time with you. Family doesn't mean it's just you, it's the whole family. I'm disappointed that even my brother did not even ask me to hang out with him for just one time and i'm not complaining. And you're complaining that i'm not spending enough time with you when we are literally talking, expressing your things to me? What are these reason? I don't even know. I love you very much and I love the family very much. I come back here is for you and the family. Not just you. I'm learning how to appreciate family, learning how to get the family together, I don't want to just focus on you and you only. I have other people that I care very dearly too. Yes, I admit that I don't mention you much in childhood. We absorb the things we want to absorb and when I was young, I absorb what was important to me. The times when I needed someone, ah, yours was not enough. I'm sorry to say this but it's true.

I am a better person that you think I am. I'm able to live by myself for 3 years in Melbourne and if you think 3 years is not long? 3 years is bloody long. The only things bad about me is that I spend and I spend a lot but that does not mean i'm not independent? I wash the plates, I do my own washing, I clean the toilet, I clean the kitchen, I vacuumed the place, the things that Aunty, Siti- no correct me, the things that YOU would do, I've done it. I know the place around Melbourne, I buy my own food, I cook my own food, I learn how to mix with people, I learn how to study hard for something, I learn how to be more mature. I learn how to pay the bills, I learn how to be independent physically and emotionally. You have no idea what i've got through emotionally. I don't want to go back to be negativity again and I'm not allowing you to do this to me. The tone that you use to talk to me, the sarcasm that you use against me, the criticism, the telling of no and wrong things against me, these are the opposite of what I want from you even though it's the same theme of being caring, the love towards me. There are always different perspective, different way of saying things to ignite positivity towards people and I strongly need you to learn. Please do learn and stop being so hard headed and it's wrong to be like this. You can change. Please admit yourself and learn how to accept that you are wrong. Accept that you are sensitive and it's a bad thing to be like this. Learn how to be the caring person who gives positivity to the house and not expecting anything in return, can you please do that for me? Why do you expect things from people, why so greedy and so selfish? Why can't you do it out of love and not because it's a duty to be done?

I'm tired and just so exhausted. I don't know how long will it last because I don't want to stay silent. I just don't feel like talking and I'm easily frustrated these days because of you. The things that I want to express, I can't express, make me do the things that I don't want to do. Let me express myself and say that it's okay. Not take it so serious and criticise that I express too much and this expression I have is bad. I cannot be the perfect person. I am but a person with flaws, many flaws indeed to. Maybe you have in mind the perfect person you want someone to be, I can't do that for you. All in my mind is that I study and earn a good living able to give back what you have done for me is the only goal for me. My ambitions and goals to think about what I am doing in terms of career and my work, why wouldn't you let me to think it more seriously? I don't want to be a mediocre person who has a mediocre job with a mediocre lifestyle. I pursue greatness. So If I want to go further, encourage me to do so. Let me not forget about family, let me not forget that I can inspire and be a greater person. Not let me learn the negative to pursue the positive. Positive all the way to show your care and love. Let me be a person that is greater than my brothers or my family. Let me be the encouragement that this family deserves. Let me know that this family needs me. The sense of urgency that you want me to succeed. Let me be that person. Let me love movies. Let me love the things I do. Encourage me and inspire me.

Internship Part 2

See? Im here again doing nothing for 3 freaking weeks already.

I'M DEAD BORED. 

I've said it and i'm going to say it again. Everyday, i'm just waiting to be brief from anybody, really. The hardest job in the word is to do nothing at all. I don't understand why people want to relax or to not do work in the office. I find myself really hard to just sit here and do nothing. I become lethargic and just without any purpose at all. Maybe it's just an internship, maybe I don't have any responsibilities yet or i'm just inexperienced. I should be able to understand next time right? No, I think we all should be able to do work, to do something each day to say that i've achieved something and not just sit there and do nothing. I'm trying so hard to do something but i'm just so tired and I don't know what else can I find to do. Anyway i'll stop blabbering about how boring it is. I should be able to do something else and just think of something to do rather than just complaining that i'm doing anything. We can all do something since we are given time to do whatever that we want to do.

I begin to understand how vast this industry can be and i'm just one person that have the ambition to dream big but there's just so many things, so may opportunities, so many more things to learn. After a one full month, no one brief to me on how the advertising agencies work. What team do you have or what do you have to do day by day. I think I get out most of it is from Peter. He is a copywriter in our agency and he has just worked for 5 years as a copywriter and just almost a month here in JWT. He told me that a copywriter, you can get all sorts of things to do. From generating ideas about a particular campaign to a simple finding pictures for a presentation. I guess it's not that simple, I think more like proof reading or writing taglines. For me, when Hasnah gave me the chance to think about the Line campaign, that was the most interesting one I've ever gotten this internship. Past few weeks of doing nothing, i only got to write simple taglines, proof reading and writing descriptions for an ad. And the worst part is, I don't receive any feedback for the work i've done.

The interns so far, there's Nadira, Willy, Gabbie, Su Ann, Lillian, Adib, Lee and me. Su Ann just finished her internship for a month. It was great to have her around for that past month. We hang out that day before her last day of internship, it was really nice catching up with her. She's always hyper .fullstop. Anyway, the other interns are really nice people. It's really nice to hang out with them, either having lunch everyday at the food court or just talking on random stuffs in office. A lot of my friends come up to me and ask what does a copywriter do and honestly, I don't really understand it nor how the advertising agency works. You have so many links like the production house, clients, the creative team and the accounts team, ads printing and other things. Seriously, that day when i was having a conversation with mum and brother. I can't understand how it works. It just makes me realise like I really need to learn about business or something in the lines of finance or accounting to work if I ever wanted to become an entrepreneur. I believe this is actually really important not just being creative.

I find like if you're being creative, you need more or less a bit of a knowledge of business and how it works. Not just doing one specific thing, you have to sometime branch out to learn more things. I would love to become an entrepreneur in the future. Start-up a company and work the way up the ladder and one day become successful of that one company. I can't see myself working for someone else. I just need the experience and see where it takes. I still have a dilemma with where should I be because I haven't try working in Australia and maybe the stakes are higher there. I can say that the working experience here in Kuala Lumpur isn't really the way I want to be in. I want to have the freedom to explore ideas, to explore the chance of taking risk. I find myself very isolated with what I can do. I know being an intern, maybe i'm just far fetching my goals but seriously, that's what i'm thinking. Being an intern, I guess you somewhat know what you want and where you want to be. I don't want to stay in the office and not doing anything, even if I'm doing anything at all, I want to be in groups discussing, communicating, I want to be using my brain constantly thinking.

Anyway, I'm currently working on a movie script and it's going good. I'm just stuck sometimes. Many things that are going on my mind with what I want to do with my time, thinking of ideas on the start-up and researching on copywriting. I always want to be working my brain on something and not just do nothing. I cannot do nothing. Even if i'm sitting around, I want to be thinking about movies. Imagine three weeks not doing anything in the office, I even finish my MoMU stuff, and i'm just out of things to do. Well at least the script is making me busy now. Anyway mum says that if in the next two weeks, if there's still nothing much left to do, I might as well fire my own self after the Chinese New Year and spend more time in Ipoh. Sounds good to me, I can hang out more, I can do the things I wanted to do when I'm back that is to play more badminton, record more songs and film more videos, read more books, watch more movies and just spend my time with the family as much as I can. If not at work, you're just being there from 10 to 6 trying to find something to do and I'm facing the laptop the whole entire day. That's why I've been blogging a lot because I can find the time to just write and write the whole day. Imagine me writing all this long blogs almost twice as much as the essays i'm writing for a subject in a semester. I guess work is not that bad anymore because I can spend that time to actually sit down and write and just continue writing. I've been writing so much that even now I write scripts and blogs are longer than ever. I guess it has its pros and cons.

Ranting part (Ye Be Warned but heck, it's just opinions)

Other than that, I'm just going to be a critic here for awhile. My boss, never sit with me one on one and ask about it, tell the other collegues that hey, they are not my 'minions', not to say minions is a mean way of saying, because it would be nice to include the interns as part of the minions. We are learning as well even though it's for 3 months. I never go to briefs, I never go to meetings even the casual ones, I never go to lunch with them. Hey, understand this, this is my first time doing an internship, I'm not experienced, I don't know how to approach people, I'm not that kind of a person, at least if you're the boss who hired me, shouldn't you be asking these questions first so that you understand me better and say hey, okay, next time i'll call you and once I do, i'm comfortable when you come and ask me because we are understanding now, we have at least know each other a bit better. First two weeks, I've been asking for work from everyone. Peter is the best. He said that he would be give me work when he has one. He does everytime and most of the time he doesn't really get much work. He would surf the sites for videos and maybe watch his own tv series. I don't know but hey, at least he is nice. Ravi is nice when you are talking to him, other than that, he is a little bit weird sometimes. Hey, at least when he gives me work, he told me to have fun with it, to go all out and just try my best and just have a good time with it. My boss doesn't do that. I don't even know whether do I actually have a boss. It's quite scattered sometimes. Like I don't know who I answer to. Imagine coming into work for the 4th week, people still ask me and say are you the copywriter when they already send out my details to every colleague in this office.

I say there's a need for a change in the perspectives of these people about interns and how they handle interns. I think this is also another interesting topic to talk about. If I ever have a company of my own, I make sure my interns are getting the best out of everything. If they want to accept interns, you better know how to handle them. Don't just let them sit by the table doing anything, everyday come in go out and there is nothing to learn. One thing I don't understand is this, one of the colleague say that if there is nothing to do we should build our port folios and do something about it. Come on, what is the purpose of this internship, yes it is to build our portfolio but not on our previous projects, it's about extending our portfolios with other projects, other clients, other ads that we can work on. If there is no work for us to do, you can always give us something that we can come up with and later it may be something for the company. Design the freaking website, it's so so bad. Build on the social media, start up something, work with the strategic planning interns and do research, have group discussions and do something.

  DO SOMETHING. 

Seriously, i'm not even proud getting myself to blog or to find something to do like MoMU stuff or even writing script. I should be saying oh man, there's so much work to do, I feel like there's so much that I need to manage and learn the management of time. Rather finding work to do. It gives me more direction, more goals to achieve, more things to come up with. Like I said I really like the Line campaign because we can talk about it in groups and just generate ideas on it.

Look, I'm not saying that interning at ads agencies are bad. They are good when there's something to do, it's really fun but when there's nothing to do, it shouldn't be nothing to do. Only then should we come up with something to do. Not most of the time, leaving us interns not having a good time during the internship. It just makes me feel so cheated and so discriminated and i'm not saying i'm blaming the whole system in terms of our country. Im not defining this company based on that, I'm based on the management of the company works. Imagine first two weeks when they have the W.I.P, a codename something for a big meeting for all the staff on mondays, only then the executive director come up to everybody and say we should be more organised and do ourselves a favour and work together more. JWT is a big company and it should have been established long ago how the company should work. I find that you should be able to know how its run and not let an intern to tell you how it's going to run. It's all about initiatives and management. I deserve something better but well, there's always a saying that you never know until you experienced it. So now i'm experiencing it, and there's a need for a change.

NEW YEAR 2014

New Year
Sorry about the last blog. It's cheesy and it's not flowing that well like the internship. Anyways it was days after Christmas and it was New Year. I've been hanging out with friends before New Year. Sarah, Lei, Christina, Steve, Wilson, Tekyi and Joel. Oh not to forget about Shahnas' brother wedding. That's all done. Wanted to hang out more but when family is concern, i have to stick with my mum. Not to say that I can't go out or that I can't drive. I CAN! Just that, I feel obligated to be with my mum and spend time at home. I can't go out too much, you know what i'm saying? Anyway Yes! Hanging out with friends is awesome, spending time at home is a dread but come to think about it, it's important to spend time with family. When you spend so much time outside, you forget the meaning of staying inn. So anyway, Shahnas's brother wedding on the 28th was another grand event. Although i don't know her brother but everything was nice and short! It was a lovely wedding. Spend a whole day with Sarah went roaming around for food at SS19 and just a nice coffee to end the day. Was out with Lei on both occasion, first one it was rush but when shopping instead nothing much but second time went for The Hobbit with her and catching up with Steve, that's all good. Spend a whole day with Christina too. Ate, and shopping at Pyramid, wishes it was longer.  Spend also two occasions with Joel and Grace, it's really nice to talk and just spend time together, it's all good! Catching up with Tekyi was always great. Wilson, my man, watching The Hobbit with him. Ahh, all these memories man, the good stuff.

Anyway thats that, New Year. We went to my cousin place in Sunway Damansara. It was a great night I can say. First thing I went there, Ashley and Ryan were so damn hyper that night. I was sweating and just catching my breath trying to keep up with them. Not just the two of them, Bryan and Bernie as well. 4 kids man, 4 KIDS. Anyway, it was great night with great company. Everybody was having dinner together, spending time like it always have been. This is the kind of gatherings that i'm talking about really. I'm emphasising all these gathering far too many times but yes, it's what i come back here for. Kaima cooked the dinner has always been delicious. It was Peggy jie's birthday that day. I still remember there was a year where we used to celebrate on a hotel and see fireworks out from the balcony. That was pretty awesome. One time we were walking at Sunway Pyramid, that was awesome too. One time in HongKong, all of us families together, that was awesome too. This year was more like a mundane get around and everybody seems like it was more like a routine than a celebration. Only the fireworks makes it more special. Me and the kids were dancing and it was great fun. We were all watching movies and that was good. One thing is my cousin, he is barista. Shit, the coffee he makes are so nice! So that was fun. Mum bough wine as a birthday presents. So all of us had a glass of white wine and that was good! Oh the dinner, let me go into detail, we had crabs that was awesome really, best crab ever! Had this thai thing going on, where you're mixing all the things into a leaf. That was great too.

I thought I was going to elaborate a lot about New year, but that's about it actually. Maybe i'll talk about my resolutions.

Resolutions
It's strange really coming into a new year and not feeling like it's a new year. Everything seems to be just as normal as the last one. I guess good or bad things from last year, you can't just stop or escape or just not think about it. It goes through to the next year anyway. So what i'm trying to say is, it's not about how we want to just start afresh and forget about the past. We can't. We can only live through it and hopeful to get back up. I guess that's how it is. How life is. We can't escape and we have to learn how to accept. Things don't just go away like that, it has to go through us and it's our job to handle ourselves. I guess we cannot put our problems onto others or to expect people to solve it for us, we have to solve it for ourselves. We are our lives to live. We cannot live other peoples life. Even though how much we admire, how much we love them, we can't live their life. We are our own identity. So in this new year, what I expect myself is to better understand myself and to make myself better each day. I'm not saying that I'm going to be all selfish and just self-centred that I don't care about other people, my friends and family. I love them and I would do anything for them. But I have to learn how to say no. To be organise and to just know what is right, what I should and shouldn't do. From small until now, that's what our parents always say. To do what's right. I guess they speak from experience. I believe what our parents meant and say is right because they've been through it. It can be so direct sometimes but I find it that it's really true. Sometimes you have to experience it first to understand that it's true. So I guess we learn from our mistakes. That's a good thing.

Coming back for this 3 months. So many things are going through my mind. Things like how I should live myself, what happens if I do this or that, how do I treat myself and towards the family and friends, learn about work and how to manage my time and everything, my money, my food, my intake, everything from health to management. I just found out that I have so much to learn really. It's just so much that I'm scared sometimes. But one thing at a time, we have a lifetime to learn so much. That's why I need to learn to be patient. I want to stop my desperation, my addiction to this thing that have made me sinful since I was 8?9? I realised that it's bad and i'm determined to change, to be a better person.  I want to learn and read the bible, get closer with God, I want to take up my piano and so that I can express myself in music, I want to watch movies and learn the art of reviewing and how to analyse films. My passion for movies is so great I just want to go to the next step. To learn how to be analytical and express it through YouTube like making videos and do all sorts of video I can think of. I want to be outgoing, to explore, to communicate, to make connections with friends, to spend more time out there to see the world, I want to be there to experience. 2014 looks so promising to me. So much more that I can use the time with. Just going to take each day as it comes and make the best out of it. AND YES! I want to keep myself so fit that no one can recognise me! I want to be healthy and fit and get my 6 packs! I AM DETERMINED!

I've been living with positivity and sometimes I can't stand it when people are being too negative. I think i've changed to that now. I guess it's a good thing. I hope I can influence people to be positive. Especially my mum, it's hard to convince my mum really. I'll try my best. I need to just manage everything in order. I want to start up a company, start u p a business, I want to do research on the things I find interesting. Ah, so many things that I can do. I just want to do it. I find myself greedy and just impatient, really. That's my only i can say weakness. I'm learning to become a better man each day. I hope by the end of 2014 I can say I have achieved the things that I want to achieve and not just sit back and do nothing. It's my last year of uni, everything is ending as soon as possible, there's not many times left for all of us friends to go and have a good time. Sometimes time just pass by so fast, only then you realise that you missed out a lot. Now that i'm working, I can see the difference, the different level of responsibilities. It's hard when you are working so it's best to cherish the moments while you still can. So, to be honest, I just want live life to the fullest, I am a really ambitious person but in that ambition, I say but I don't do, so I want to change to take more actions. In that ambition, I don't want to be greedy and selfish but focus on myself to be better each day so that I can one day say i'm where I want to be. Aiya, like that girls only willvchase me mah :)

I believe we are here to do greatness. I really do. Each of us have that potential. It's only up to us realise that potential. Before we have family, before we have girlfriends/boyfriends, we need to set ourselves goals and just set ourselves into perspective. Be the person you want to be and work yourself up to that ideal. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. I think all 3 of these are really important. We should have faith and God will lead us to the place we are destined to.

Christmas.

It was just grand. Everything was grand. I don't know about you but this is my first time going into a fine dining restaurant. I mean it is, with all the fork and spoon placed in a certain manner, different glasses for different wine. They actually printed a menu just for our table. So you can see that it's a fine dining already. I don't go to this kind of restaurants to eat and it was a privilege to eat there. 250 ringgit per person. I'm not that kind of guy who wants to eat such expensive food to myself. It's just far too expensive and I don't see why we need to. I was so enthusiast about Christmas this year. I was singing along Christmas songs wherever I go. Shopping complexes, car parks, at home, in the car, everywhere, I can honestly say i'm the one person that's so hyped up about Christmas. I was a bit disappointed that i wasn't going to my cousin place for Christmas party but turned out they changed the setting of the event. So can't blame us for not going, more like the perception of what was done last year and the need for a change of atmosphere, mum says there were more friends than family so why not have a change and just our family gather together. So I think it wasn't a bad idea either. I guess this year from the pictures i've seen, the Christmas party at my cousin's place was great fun too.

Anyway, I didn't know what to expect really. We were setting a photo-shoot for our family photo. Mum wants it and hell, if all of us are dressing up for this special occasion, definitely there is a need for a photo-shoot since our whole family is here. Thats done and off we go to Majestic Hotel to have our dinner. Coming to the place, the entrance was huge. Christmas tree was tall, everything was either gold or marble. First thing came into mind, formal and grand. We were suppose to go for the buffet but we went for fine dinning instead. I was just amazed by how grand it was. Then we went upstairs to go the restaurant and to our table. The walkways are just i-dont-know why but you have different rooms for different things and each room which makes it beautiful. It's like you have this room for this kind of gathering and you have another room thats for meeting, it's just nice. Anyway coming to our restaurant, first thing came to mind, British. The colours was gold and candle lighted colour atmosphere with lots of halo and bright lights with a dim nature. Dim is the room with many white dressed uniform waiters and waitresses walking around serving people and holding onto the golden trays with a layer of white plates stack against each other properly. A waitress came to us, showed us to our table and another waitress came to showed us to our seats and the menu. Described to us what is happening like we are amateurs. Not a bad thing, just everything is treated to detailed.

All of us sat down. I was just amazed, gasping for some air and just eyes-wide-open with the eagerness to explore and just wanting to know more about the place. I couldn't settle myself in my seat, just wondering what's all this about and how come this is just so grand. When I meant about grand, it's the formality that we come into as a family. The place is the difference. When you have gold coloured and everything is either shinny or dim yellow, and especially when you have people dressing up formally to serve you, these things I tell you is the grand that i'm talking about. The space is grand. The design is grand. It's my first time coming to this place everyone came before for my cousin's wedding. It was a great idea my mum thought of us since she found out about this place when she was having high tea with her friends and so that was it. We used to have our Christmas celebrations at my cousin's place but this year no more. When friends come into place and not entirely just family, that became the difference. Still remember how it was years ago when we was celebrating. I love that year when I spend my Christmas at Joel's. He roasted that turkey and all of us just ate together at a table and it was all so good. I remember his grandparents was still here and it was just so nice. It makes me sad when they passed away. I'm just glad that i get to have that Christmas dinner with them. It was a memorable memory. Well other years, there's much joy celebrating Christmas, unboxing presents, singing Christmas songs together, every year there was something to remember. But last year was different, things changed and that closeness wasn't there anymore. So this year, we're trying something different and well since we never really get together as a family for Christmas, this was the chance and this was the year.

Sitting down, everyone laughed at my amazement towards this grand and formal fine dining dinner. I was the hyper one that night. I had to. To bring the family together, to let them come into conversation, I was trying my best. I know that they wouldn't so I tried. At least it wasn't a burden for me that night, it was a good feeling because I love this gatherings. So the unsettled me just went on to describe how different it is, my heart was just without comment. I could not describe my feelings at that time. And to ask whether do I like this. I can say no, because I prefer to usual 10 ringgit dinner, mum's cooking, ordering dishes with rice dinner is so much better. Yes, because it is fancy and everything is so high-classed. To be honest, the service is considered quite bad that night. I couldn't come to complain because I, myself was at struggle to know which fork and knife to use first. These dining table etiquette I tell you, is just so stressful. At first the bread, you're not suppose to use any fork to cut it. You have the butter knife that's it and guess what, you actually have to use your hand to eat it! Ah, wonderful, a profound fact! I thought that you have to eat it with a knife or something, but no, you can just eat it with your hand, in fine dinning! stunning. Anyway, the dishes came out so slow, one by one, literally it was an hour a dish. It was around 9 to 10 and we still haven't got to our main dish.

We were talking about how our conversations on the things we used to eat usually is the ones that we would laugh over and not the high class meals. I guess this also have to do with the formality of the dishes. Like a simple fried rice, the way we call it, the way we eat it is so different from eating a steak. The different class of people, food and place. Eating at a high class restaurant, being a middle class family who usually eat food of the 'ordinary' people talking about the the 'ordinary' would be different towards saying eating at a 'ordinary' restaurant, being a lower middle class family talking about high class food. If you know what i'm saying. Not to forget, the music really sets the tone for the 'grand'. Jazz christmas music is playing with the old antique mic and a long stand. A lady dressed in golden swinging her hips from side to side and you see her holding her hands up to touching the notes and guiding her voice to the sound of the music singing towards the mic. A three man band with and elder man playing the drums with brush sticks and a younger man playing the double bass and a lady playing the piano as they came up to a melody of a jazzy swing music Christmas, it definitely made the ambiance of the place rather classy. I wouldn't be surprised that silence would also give the classy feeling and with the sound of table spoons and fork and knife cling towards the plates. You get the picture. The dinner was long and only until 12 we went back home. It was surprisingly fulfilling. The food was good. The music was good i mean really it was good with the swinging sensation, just the singing. Company was great. It was a great night.

But it wasn't the Christmas i'm expecting. It wasn't the right feel to it. I find Christmas is more joyful, not exactly formal, filled with lights and turkey, Christmas trees and presents under the tree, family dinner filled with plates of delicious food and just really really joyful Christmas songs playing on the CD player, and everybody is gathered around the table eating and just having nice conversations, that's what I called Christmas. But this formality that we come into, the need for etiquette and the soft mellow jazz swing and soft Christmas is sung. Mind you, the lady who is standing singing isn't really good at singing actually. She sung like it was meant to go out of tune or the need to go overboard with her voice anyway, it was pitchy and just not singing material especially Christmas? You have to be joking. Anyway that's been done, and the tone has been set. The main thing is the family. Leanne was there, after 2 weeks she's still hesitant for me to touch her, to hold her, to give her something, to hold my hand, it's so sad. I missed her birthday and now she's being like that, only time can wait. I think all of us had a good time. I did make everyone laugh, did I? My brothers and me, we were joking around and smiling at each other jokes, i'm being the victim sometimes is what makes everyone smiling. Dad was ignored sometimes but saw him laughing at times, i think he was happy too. Mum was just sitting beside me, she was also putting her input too and she's smiling. She planned this dinner, she made this happen, need to thank her to be able to gather us together for this dinner. Both sisters in law are quiet, you can understand but I find them smiling too. Just that one is with the phone the whole time, one with the baby, a necessary distraction to cut down the awkwardness, I don't blame, in this family, I can understand why too. I guess we can't go too far with conversations. Just those nostalgic, memorable moments we can talk about that can make us laugh and have a good time. Also those things we find funny, weird or just the stupid things that we just laugh about it. I think that's more than enough really.

I could not elaborate more about our Christmas dinner. It was really nice and the main thing was to be able to have this family to get together and hardly we ever can since i'm in Melbourne studying and both my brothers are in different cities. I find the others doesn't really matter, the music, the fine dining, the Christmas atmosphere. Maybe next year, we can try something different. A home dinner would be nice too. Next day on Christmas day, a day well spent in church, Wilson always tells me I have this after church feeling where I get all high and that's good. I mean church, yes, it gets you pumped up no? And then there was me and my parents and wilson's family, we met up for lunch after that and that was good. Well, overall, Christmas was the one to remember, I had fun and hope everyone had fun too. Because it's Christmas, and nothing is more important the gathering of family or even just your family. I don't think it was the exact day Christ was born, for me I think Easter was more important but then if it's true, and it's been a day set to rejoice His birth, so it's great to have ourselves involved in church on that day because listening to the sermon and understanding what Christmas is all about. For me, it's all about family and gatherings. There's always something to look forward to next year.