Ever words, no action.

I'm going to keep this private from all social media. I think it's the best. Sometimes it's a bit too personal.

As the wheel of the chair turns from side to side, sat down with my butt feeling the friction rubbing against the chair, I rest my palms on the sides of the laptop. Placing my fingers on each black keys like it is a symphony, the sound of clicks. Each alphabet generating a sentence that leads to a piece of work.

sigh.

There is where I'm at. Ideas flowing around my head as to where i'm about to write, what comes first, what sentence after this. It's like deciphering a word puzzle and relating every single alphabets with a cause and an effect. Where have I come to, I do not know. I've been travelling and just seeking answers to questions that may yet be a sign of inspiration or to encourage to go the extra miles in life. In life, there's been ups and downs and truly the ups seem shorter than the downs. One minute you feeling happy the next, depression comes in. How do we appreciate the ups and not dwell in the downs. We became so focus on the downs, we kept sailing down. Isn't it fair? I do envy people who can keep their heads up high the whole time.

Learning as we go. To experience the chance to be something, to put our names into the world, hopeful. I sense that it is not that easy. Obvious to the fact that things like this, it may seem childish at first but maturity has its childish moments. You will never know what to expect. You see yourself as mature is only but a thing of an illusion. Nothing is ever perfect, nothing is ever true. You can never argue against the truth. As Jack Nicholson says in the film: "You can't handle the truth". This already sense a negativity that can lead to more than just a simple saying. We allow ourselves to seed a thought into an idea that can lead to an influence. That influence changes us into something, someone we want and don't want. Want to be identified, don't want to feel that way. It's complicated.

Wow, that's a zone to go into. I find it really interesting that when you want to express yourself, you go into that zone in writing. Like, you go around expressing with words, formality of expression, if you know what i'm saying. You go to that place where it's deep and hard thoughts that even words sometimes is hard to express. Easy and simple it may seems to just convey a message but how we express it. I guess I'm still a beginner in this. Authors may already familiar how to not go there and just express with ease. Like you don't have to go to that formality of expression. Anyway, that's that.

I don't know what to feel sometimes, really. I became so forgetful sometimes, I just don't want to think unnecessary things. Like if there's something that is wasting my energy and time, I would just let it slide, not putting any effort into thinking. So many things it's just words, expressing how I feel, what should be done, what is happening, I just can't only put in words but not into action. How many times influencers, teachers, pastors, who teaches us how to put things into action. I just don't.  Only words. It takes a delay for me to do things. I take my time without thinking about the restriction of time and when time comes, I let mediocre get into place. No greatness comes into it.

sigh.

Relationships are hard. I don't think i'm up for it. I'm desperate, nothing is helping me in terms of my desperation. I can't have a commitment or to dedicate myself to someone else, I don't think now is the time. I love love but I don't think i'm ready for love. Look at me, not fit,  thinking only for myself, selfish and just greedy. I wish I could say i'm ready for one but i'm not. I don't want to disappoint anyone in the end. I'm scared i'm already doing it. I need to take a moment and realise that when the time is not right, I need to learn how to say no and when I don't, many things will come to affect. Sometimes I just need to let it go even though how easy it can be, to satisfy what you want. That September thing is what worries me now. All I can say now is that, there's so many things going on, I don't think I can handle a relationship. Too many commitments, too young to think so. It's so complicated and I don't want any complications going on. Focus on myself first before I go for someone else. All I ever wanted was guidance to be that someone. To guide me and to inspire me because nothing seems to inspire me now except in the world of movies. Mum told me: "Jen, you better stop watching movies. You've been watching so many movies lately. Don't watch all those complicated movies lah, makes you even more complicated, just watch those nice, easy movie can already." That's not really inspiring isn't it?

I guess when I'm not doing anything, I just feel so helpless. I don't know what else can I do. I felt guilty. I don't know who is at fault her. The company or myself. Shouldn't I be going out there and attend myself to meetings, briefs or anything. Just to get myself doing something. After a month or so, I should be familiar with the things going on here. Maybe it's my fault to think like it was their fault when it's mine. I should be going out there to work, to find work, to be involve, to get experience. Not just sitting myself down at the table not moving around and waiting for work to come to my door. I just wish I was a bit brave, a bit more hardworking, a bit more outgoing, to attend lunches, to talk better, to just work a little bit better. I don't think you get this from other companies, they just give it to you. For me here, i think the company is training me to go out there and get yourself work to do. My boss is always busy, other colleagues are not here sometimes, some don't even have work to do. When I have work to do, it's not really my job to do. Especially now with Kit Kat, i'm not a designer, i don't know about art, I just know writing. Not to say that I despise it, I'm just saying, it would be a lot better to handle writing than designing the packaging which I'm completely have no clue about it whatsoever. I never learn it before. Obviously, I would be slow to it. I find myself really slow. I'll just candy crush all the time. It's bad, really really bad.

sigh.

Mum and I we are okay. It's just those times when it's really hard for the both of us. And it's not just us, the people around us. It's hard. I guess over time we learn to accept and just try to live together. When I say I'm having trouble at home with mum and everything, it's not like a big deal. It's just like a day happened, a day forgotten. I guess we learn each day. Now, after so many things has happened, it started to change me a little. Two weeks ago, I was this full of ambition, full of inspiration, was talking the way I want to talk myself, slowly, it's gradually changing me to this, day dreamer, lazy and just wanting things to be quiet sort of person. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of it all that's all. Especially work. Like I said, only words to say, not actions. I need to change from what I say to do something productive each day and not just sit myself down and do nothing. I just need a guide, a guide for my life. I can't bring myself to read the bible, I guess God is telling me that i'm not ready yet. I can't bring myself to get into a relationship because I'm not ready myself, I guess God is telling me again that i'm not ready. All I can do is focus on myself. To find that something to achieve, to reach for goals, to be inspired. Say not to just words but turn into actions.