All I Ever Wanted.

First of all, sorry I didn't mention to you that my friend is coming. A lot of things is happening to me and I have to keep up with everything. So before you accuse me of something, stand in my shoes and understand what i'm going through first. Don't say I don't understand you because I tried so very hard to understand you. How does it feel when you try to understand someone when someone don't understand them back?

The one thing I do is let you see my life. It is a privilege.
The one place that I think it could be of use to be closer.
But no, the things that you take so seriously on, just makes it worse.
It make me wanting to stop blogging altogether.
Because how can I say what I feel, what I think is right, the things that are my personal opinions,
One thing I know, if I have a good reason to talk about it, I will talk about it.

This is going to sound so mean because I use 'you' or it maybe even more direct than speaking face to face. This is a post focused on personal opinion and the source of expressiveness, please.

YE BE WARNED, again.

I'm not comfortable writing this. Not one bit.

It's like there's no sense of respect. I guess I really need to say this. What you said yesterday hurt me a lot. That moment in the car, I could have yelled, prayed, walked out of the car, shouted, bang the car, God knows what I would have done. Everything that I wanted to say, everything that I think was right was clouded by you. All I every wanted was encouragement and inspiration. If there is a place for me to write my negativity out or to express my opinions here, then let me be. I don't want you to take advantage of this blog to tell me that I should have done this and that or that I was wrong and I should have done the right thing instead. I write the things I feel like writing (bad sentence), I write the things that I think I needed to address, the people that was involved. I was depressed. I was sad. The things that affected me, the things that I personally feel that I need to address, I put into this blog. Last time, I would just rant every single thing in small posts. That would have been many. But I've become mature. I want to have this space to improve my writing. So if I can express and improve, why wouldn't I want blog?

If you're taking this away from me, how would I express? Talk to you? No. That's not a good idea at all. You would take every single thing you can find and make it seem like it's a problem. I can't even write the things you say here. It's like what you say is always right. No, I don't want to go there. I don't even know how to express that. I was so angry and just holding every ounce that I can muster yesterday in the car because the things you said was really really mean. If I say you are wrong, you take it into a whole new level saying that "I should not talk anymore", " Whenever I say something, you say i'm nagging, this and that". That's why I don't want to express myself to you anymore. The things that it will lead to. Conversations that will lead to. Yesterday a simple question "In you eyes, what do you think my IQ and EQ is like", turn into all these accusation, criticism that I don't even know you will say until I found out everything that you are feeling yesterday. The things you said yesterday was so dark, it's really not a good way to find out when you don't talk to me about it. Suddenly just blast everything with that mean, dark voice. It's really scary.

Look,
1) I want to blog because I want to express myself, and if it gives me a space to improve my writing, encourage me to do so, not scolding me for not including you or saying that I'm too negative that I mention other people instead of you.

2) No other people wish for other people to have cancer, to die or to have sickness. So I don't wish you to die, I never wish you had cancer. When you had cancer, I didn't know what to do. I'm new to patients. I'm new to this sickness. So don't blame me for not caring, not being able to do anything to help. But I was there, I did not have my holidays because I had to stay with you and mind you, I don't know how to take care of you at that time. And if you come of age, I don't wish you to die faster. That's completely absurd. It's really sad that you got this sickness. I don't wish upon, if I was a mature person like now, It would have been different. Not to say that I don't take action, it's because it's so hard for me, I don't know what to do. Don't expect me to do so when others are even more capable of doing it.

3) Please do no go to the extreme when you try speak sense into me. I am a much smarter, better person than you think the person I am now. I'm letting you to live the way you wanted me to live. I may seem like a lazy person, a dumb person, a slow person or whatever I am to you, it's because you are there. You are there for me. GET THIS: YOU ARE THERE FOR ME. So I took advantage of that because I know you are there for me, so that I can relax and embrace your presence. I know it's bad of me as a person to do that. But you wanted to do the things you want to do for me. So I'm helpless, so I might just let you do it. I don't want to do anything because you don't let me do it. You can't handle mess, you can't handle things that is not right and you fix it, so I let you fix it. It's not a bad thing and you don't have to leave it to me do it because you can do it, you will do it. I'm living your lifestyle. I am  having a closer relationship with you here. Don't say that since it is like that you'll just leave everything and let other people do it. We have our own lifestyles too. If you were able to see my lifestyle in Melbourne, you would see that it's not that bad too. My friends complain that I'm neat, that I'm too clean for a guy. Do I have to prove myself even more? What more you want of me that I already give?

4) Till this point, I don't know what else to say. I'm just so tired and just the things I cannot express. I was really hurt yesterday. I wanted encouragement from you and inspiration to do more things, to do better things. To get insights on how to become a better person. You talk about your 'teachings'. I just- You don't criticise people to tell me that you are teaching me so that I learn. It's such a bad example of telling me what to do. You began to be so negative about things. What about me really? Am I that bad eating so much? Yes I am fat, I want to be fit too! I was stressed about work, give me some time, people have different ways of expressing themselves, mine was food. I chose this internship, if it was boring, it wasn't your fault, it was an experience for me. You just take things so damn seriously. I'm driven by ambition and focused too much on work, on my future? That I became stressed and looking tired everyday, inspire me! Tell me that it's alright, that i'm okay and that I will be great in the future. If I'm strive for greatness, be there for me, not telling me stick with mediocrity. Why can't you be on my side?

Oh yes.. I spend time with family? means I spend time with you. Tell me when did I ever not spend time with you? Even my friends and cousin said that why am I spending so much time with family? Don't they ever let you out? It's because I insist. I want to stay with you throughout this whole holiday. And no, I'm not so selfish to say I'm only back to spend time with you. Family doesn't mean it's just you, it's the whole family. I'm disappointed that even my brother did not even ask me to hang out with him for just one time and i'm not complaining. And you're complaining that i'm not spending enough time with you when we are literally talking, expressing your things to me? What are these reason? I don't even know. I love you very much and I love the family very much. I come back here is for you and the family. Not just you. I'm learning how to appreciate family, learning how to get the family together, I don't want to just focus on you and you only. I have other people that I care very dearly too. Yes, I admit that I don't mention you much in childhood. We absorb the things we want to absorb and when I was young, I absorb what was important to me. The times when I needed someone, ah, yours was not enough. I'm sorry to say this but it's true.

I am a better person that you think I am. I'm able to live by myself for 3 years in Melbourne and if you think 3 years is not long? 3 years is bloody long. The only things bad about me is that I spend and I spend a lot but that does not mean i'm not independent? I wash the plates, I do my own washing, I clean the toilet, I clean the kitchen, I vacuumed the place, the things that Aunty, Siti- no correct me, the things that YOU would do, I've done it. I know the place around Melbourne, I buy my own food, I cook my own food, I learn how to mix with people, I learn how to study hard for something, I learn how to be more mature. I learn how to pay the bills, I learn how to be independent physically and emotionally. You have no idea what i've got through emotionally. I don't want to go back to be negativity again and I'm not allowing you to do this to me. The tone that you use to talk to me, the sarcasm that you use against me, the criticism, the telling of no and wrong things against me, these are the opposite of what I want from you even though it's the same theme of being caring, the love towards me. There are always different perspective, different way of saying things to ignite positivity towards people and I strongly need you to learn. Please do learn and stop being so hard headed and it's wrong to be like this. You can change. Please admit yourself and learn how to accept that you are wrong. Accept that you are sensitive and it's a bad thing to be like this. Learn how to be the caring person who gives positivity to the house and not expecting anything in return, can you please do that for me? Why do you expect things from people, why so greedy and so selfish? Why can't you do it out of love and not because it's a duty to be done?

I'm tired and just so exhausted. I don't know how long will it last because I don't want to stay silent. I just don't feel like talking and I'm easily frustrated these days because of you. The things that I want to express, I can't express, make me do the things that I don't want to do. Let me express myself and say that it's okay. Not take it so serious and criticise that I express too much and this expression I have is bad. I cannot be the perfect person. I am but a person with flaws, many flaws indeed to. Maybe you have in mind the perfect person you want someone to be, I can't do that for you. All in my mind is that I study and earn a good living able to give back what you have done for me is the only goal for me. My ambitions and goals to think about what I am doing in terms of career and my work, why wouldn't you let me to think it more seriously? I don't want to be a mediocre person who has a mediocre job with a mediocre lifestyle. I pursue greatness. So If I want to go further, encourage me to do so. Let me not forget about family, let me not forget that I can inspire and be a greater person. Not let me learn the negative to pursue the positive. Positive all the way to show your care and love. Let me be a person that is greater than my brothers or my family. Let me be the encouragement that this family deserves. Let me know that this family needs me. The sense of urgency that you want me to succeed. Let me be that person. Let me love movies. Let me love the things I do. Encourage me and inspire me.