Focusing on passion.

So many things, so many thoughts, so many experiences.

MIND

I should say it's too many and it is all happening so very fast. I just can't seem to just stop and think for a second and write it down. It has been like that ever since I came back to Melbourne. Once touch down, trouble with the key, had to be in orientation for two days straight and move SuAnn's and Ching's belongings to their new place. Got sun burnt and sick straightaway. Was just so tired, body was aching, but I was not complaining that I'm back to Melbourne. I felt like I want to be back, I want to do things, to keep myself busy, to be occupied, to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I felt like the weight has lifted off.

I had my Meld Magazine interview, had to bring freshers around for the MoMU event, had to prepare for the first week of the last year of my degree. Thinking about which classes should I go, thinking which subject should I take, which people should I hang out with, what sort of routine should I do, what book should I read, what food should I eat, what sports should I play, what electronics/DVDs should I buy, what stationeries, what groceries, what cereal should I eat. This is now my second week. I can still say that I am not fully settled yet. I should have come back earlier. Done all these things, hang out with all my friends and I can already settled myself nicely in Melbourne. Honestly, I don't want to leave this country. First reason, the life here is good. Second reason, once you settle yourself here, the things that is available to you is so beneficial. But, finding work is hard, applying PR is hard, working with caucasian is hard, leaving family behind is hard. So it's really really hard to decide. I'm taking my future seriously right now. All I have to take seriously now is now itself. To study hard, to get experiences, to learn and to just get good results so I can actually say that I'm applicable for Masters.

FOCUS

This is my last year, I don't want to waste it. I want to make full use of it. To the things that is right for me, to choose the things that benefits me, to be in circumstances that are importance of me. I've learn so much about choosing the things that matters to you, to have that sense of focus until I become this mean and sarcastic person. I find myself really rude and disgusting sometimes. I felt it too with my embarrassment and disappointment. I guess it's all about experiences isn't it? I can't change myself unless I experience something that can change me. What happened to me during the holidays is what affects me now. My mum just became that person that I have to experience everyday for the past 3 months. Change me to this person I am today. I should learn not to be a people pleaser and be a God pleaser but it is so hard to get away for the circumstances that I am in. I'm emotional, sensitive and just mean because of the things I've experience. Sorry in advance.

I think you will know me better once you really get to know me. I mean I only be the way that I am because there are things that make me deal with this situation with this attitude and sometimes I don't have the answer for it. I'm just really saddened with the way I speak sometimes. The awkwardness, when I cannot form the words to say it out, the clumsiness of my mind, mouth and intention. I just wish I can take things back, to take situations back, to do it again one more time, those screw ups, maybe it's just me trying to pull everyone to be with me. That's not good. It's hard when you want to just make friends, you just don't how to approach and sometimes you say the wrong things you act the wrong way, people think of you as weird, awkward, strange and just with judgemental attitude towards you. I find that hard to please. I wish I can but I should not because those who are closest to me should know what I stand for, who I am, when I meant a joke, the fun part, the serious part and the kind part. I guess we take those situations as a way to learn to how to be more sociable the next time. Sometimes when the creative juice is not working, it's just hard when you're trying so hard to be sociable and you don't want to be awkward with them. Nevermind.

STRESS

I don't know what should I do really. One point I was just really sad. Like just everything collapsed on me. Relationships, friendships, future, religion, studies, house, opportunities, commitments, work, literally everything. Like I just can't hold it anymore. It was too much for me. My house was messy, things were not settled, I was really sick. I was just in a really really bad day that day. I was exhausted, tired, and just couldn't care less about anything anymore. At least now I'm getting my feet back on the ground and started walking, damn, I feel like I can walk, run and just fly. Not yet. I clean my room, make sure everything is all nicely organised but still, i'm not settled. There are things that I still need to take care of. There are still things to do but I just couldn't care less. There are other stuff that I needed to do. University has been really busy with readings, classes and all. This internship is intense too. Every single week there's things to do until april/may only then it's more chilling. There's MoMU where it takes out a lot of energy. With the website haven't updated till this day, twitter/instagram to update every event, and photographer for the events when HuiLi our photographer is not there. I had to feel in the spot. Plus with all the other commitments I just can't. I also need to catch up with friends, make new friends, learn how to be a senior to the juniors and just trying to fit in to the society.

I just hope I can get the balance of all these. That's why sometimes I couldn't care with the things I say, the act I put, the mean and sarcastic jokes that I say. It's just hard to deal with every single problem/circumstances you have. I told myself to be closer with God each day to find peace, I haven't done anything. I guess I haven't found the importance of God in my life. So I pray now for that importance to hit me, to really feel His presence over me. From there, I feel like things are going to change. But I hope it doesn't take that long, because I really need to be there with Him. Church has been great. So just hope the Word grabs hold of me and teach me how to become a better person. Currently, there's a lot of things in my mind and I don't have the time and energy to entertain so many things, really. I know it's harsh and mean but sometimes you just have to have a focus and a goal to just put things aside and just focus on that one goal you want to achieve. That I call passion. Bought and got signed by this Paster Gerry. Great man. If you're really passionate with what you are doing right now, doesn't care if you offend people or not, I think if you get the result from the things you are passionate about, that reward is worth fighting for. For me right now, I know there are things that I shouldn't do, say or act. But I know I need to get a good grade, get experiences from internships, opportunities, my passion for music and film, understanding God, meet new and great people, have fun and go on an adventure. This is my goal, focus and passion for this year. Whatever things that may happen, it's not really of my concern. I would not hesitate to put it aside. Take out all the drama, take out all the things that wastes my energy, take out all the people that gives you that judgemental, critical attitude towards you. I can say you win some, you lose some. Learning the art of losing and being the loser. I think the greatest success is when you lose every single time. Because whether you get up or not no matter how hard you have been hit is what determines you. So hit me, life, as hard as you can, because I know what I'm focusing on this year. So hit me hard if you can.
PASSION
I don't know what's wrong with my YouTube videos lately. It's not getting any likes, any comments, any views. It's quite sad. But i'm only at 38/39 videos now. People who are successful in YouTube has over 700/800 videos. So this year, I'm targeting 100 or if I want to be that adventurous 200! So good luck Jen. I'm not going to play so much PS3/PS4. I'm going read, cover more videos, do more film reviews, read all the books i've bought and read the readings for my subjects. I have to do it. I don't know what the future holds but there's so many things that I can think of right now. But future is not what worries me. I should not worry. I will not worry. Because at the end of the day, you think so much, you won't do. So I hope I will do more, have more action and just do what I'm passionate about. Music, film and writing.